Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bad News: Britain votes to leave Europe. Worst News: Mississippi says they're staying in America.

   Turns out most people find History Boring ..... Which also turns out that is why they keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. (Forgive me folks ... that's an intellectual joke)

   You have 20 pics of only your face, you must be so fat

   .... Bernie endorsed Hillary! #FeelTheTurn

   I bet Melania regrets asking Brian Williams for help writing her speech.

   Bill Clinton also woke up in a White House built by sl@ves. Okay, Monica didn't actually build it nor was she a sl@ve, well sorta...

   3 years 11 months and 3 weeks before renewing my interest in pole vault

   "But would a trophy wife do this?", she said as she changed my car oil

   I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I've caught.

   Someone described their church as a place to go when they're lost and searching for answers. That's how I feel about the grocery store.

   John Hinckley Jr. has been freed after 35 years. I hope he realizes that Jodie Foster is really not interested now.

   Walmart is selling six hot dogs for a dollar if anyone wants to die.

   My elderly neighbor tried to buy something online yesterday. ... anyone know how to get a credit card out of a disc drive ?

   If my roof ever catches on fire, I’ll have trouble not repeating myself when I call 911.

   I don't know if we should give a man, or woman, who can't understand a two minute time limit the office of president. Even the brand new fry cook at McDonald's can figure out the timer.

   Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

   it still called a gas pedal on an electric car?

   I think I turned back my clock way too far, I just saw a guy with a mullet at Kmart .

   Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

   As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.