Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s very hot in most of the country. It’s like we’re trapped in the “Jersey Shore” hot tub and can’t escape.

   A stranger phoned me last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my junk. The weirdo never showed up.

   I'm going to get married on February 29th so I only have to remember our anniversary once every 4 years.

   BREAKING: Snow White is down to 6 Dwarves.. Sneezy was just placed in quarantine.

   People are so afraid right now… you could rob a bank with a booger.

   With all this quarantining the earth is cleaning up! Let's keep it that way. Remember, the earth isn't Uranus!

   I heard the government is putting chips inside people... I hope I get Doritos.

   I did my IQ test online today and got scammed out of $50,000.

   I always learn from the mistakes of others who took my advice.

   My celery loving friend keeps dropping over all the time unannounced. Do you think she’s stalking me?

   Stuff your mask with M&Ms so you can eat them all day long like a horse

   When they make Molasses, what do they do with the rest of the Mole ?

   I wish the weekend came as fast as my ex did.

   Sorry for squirting in your face... Says no female ever.

   These Cheetos are gluten free so yeah, you could say I'm a health nut.

   my girlfriend thinks I am afraid of commitment my wife on the other hand...

   Why did Adam and Eve have the perfect marriage?..... Because neither one of them had a mother in-law.

   My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?

   People are so quick to think you smoke when they see a lighter in your room. Did you stop to think for a second that maybe, just maybe I use it to heat up heroin in my teaspoon Abigail?

   I should probably return these videos to Blockbuster.