Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I forget real people’s names immediately after being introduced but I remember the Scooby-Doo gang’s names are Fred Jones, Shaggy Rogers, Daphne Blake, and Velma Dinkley.

   I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

   I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

   Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

   watching "forensic files" & a commercial comes on about buying life insurance ... know your audience

   We don't care how much money you have, how many cars and homes you own or how popular you are. Get past the dying part and then we'll be impressed.

   Sour grapes make the very worst whine...get over it, she lost.

   Yes I'm a people person. Or as the authorities like to call me, human trafficker.

   If it wasn't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

   $100 for a dozen red what?! That's a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.

   Someone tripped and fell right in front of me , and I didn't point at them and laugh hysterically . Damn I'm getting old.

   had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.

   I walked into a florist today and said “I want a bunch of flowers for my wife.” The cashier looked at me and said, “What are you after?” I said, “Some sex.”

   My friend hates it when I put his chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers. He gets his snickers in a twix.

   Why isn't the Super Bowl on Saturday? My Sunday party plans end about 8pm...

   I had an English professor once who told me to avoid the use of clichés in my writing. I said "Hey, you're preaching to the choir. This ain't my first rodeo and I avoid clichés like the plague. Now if you'll excuse me, I have bigger fish to fry."

   If you fill a Whoopee cushion with gravy it adds a new twist to a classic practical joke.

   If I owned a company, I'd make my stock symbol WTF just so I could hear the TV guys say WTF all day...

   spoiler alert...tonight HBO dies

   It’s very hot in most of the country. It’s like we’re trapped in the “Jersey Shore” hot tub and can’t escape.