Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My brain at 6am: I’m tired. My brain at 9am: I’m tired. My brain at 1pm: I’m tired. My brain at 5pm: I’m tired. My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
←Rate | 12-08-2020 08:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’ve been trying to start my truck with my house key since 7am this morning, there’s no way I’m gonna stop now.
←Rate | 12-31-2020 08:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
←Rate | 01-04-2021 08:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I forget real people’s names immediately after being introduced but I remember the Scooby-Doo gang’s names are Fred Jones, Shaggy Rogers, Daphne Blake, and Velma Dinkley.
←Rate | 01-04-2021 08:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
←Rate | 03-02-2021 12:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
←Rate | 03-04-2021 10:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
←Rate | 03-11-2021 10:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon watching "forensic files" & a commercial comes on about buying life insurance ... know your audience
←Rate | 11-20-2021 11:28 by Eddy Comments (0)  


   messageicon We don't care how much money you have, how many cars and homes you own or how popular you are. Get past the dying part and then we'll be impressed.
←Rate | 02-02-2022 14:27 by Fazzy Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm going to get married on February 29th so I only have to remember our anniversary once every 4 years.
←Rate | 02-23-2020 22:39 by Moon Comments (0)  


   messageicon BREAKING: Snow White is down to 6 Dwarves.. Sneezy was just placed in quarantine.
←Rate | 03-09-2020 15:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon People are so afraid right now… you could rob a bank with a booger.
←Rate | 03-17-2020 05:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon With all this quarantining the earth is cleaning up! Let's keep it that way. Remember, the earth isn't Uranus!
←Rate | 04-28-2020 08:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I heard the government is putting chips inside people... I hope I get Doritos.
←Rate | 05-03-2020 18:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I did my IQ test online today and got scammed out of $50,000.
←Rate | 05-11-2020 12:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I always learn from the mistakes of others who took my advice.
←Rate | 05-15-2020 11:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My celery loving friend keeps dropping over all the time unannounced. Do you think she’s stalking me?
←Rate | 06-11-2020 08:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Stuff your mask with M&Ms so you can eat them all day long like a horse
←Rate | 06-29-2020 17:55 by Rickster Comments (0)  


   messageicon My friend hates it when I put his chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers. He gets his snickers in a twix.
←Rate | 11-27-2018 11:31 by Stevielea Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why isn't the Super Bowl on Saturday? My Sunday party plans end about 8pm...
←Rate | 01-24-2019 19:31 Comments (0)  




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