Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My brain at 6am: I’m tired. My brain at 9am: I’m tired. My brain at 1pm: I’m tired. My brain at 5pm: I’m tired. My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

   I’ve been trying to start my truck with my house key since 7am this morning, there’s no way I’m gonna stop now.

   My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

   I forget real people’s names immediately after being introduced but I remember the Scooby-Doo gang’s names are Fred Jones, Shaggy Rogers, Daphne Blake, and Velma Dinkley.

   I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

   I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

   Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

   watching "forensic files" & a commercial comes on about buying life insurance ... know your audience

   We don't care how much money you have, how many cars and homes you own or how popular you are. Get past the dying part and then we'll be impressed.

   I'm going to get married on February 29th so I only have to remember our anniversary once every 4 years.

   BREAKING: Snow White is down to 6 Dwarves.. Sneezy was just placed in quarantine.

   People are so afraid right now… you could rob a bank with a booger.

   With all this quarantining the earth is cleaning up! Let's keep it that way. Remember, the earth isn't Uranus!

   I heard the government is putting chips inside people... I hope I get Doritos.

   I did my IQ test online today and got scammed out of $50,000.

   I always learn from the mistakes of others who took my advice.

   My celery loving friend keeps dropping over all the time unannounced. Do you think she’s stalking me?

   Stuff your mask with M&Ms so you can eat them all day long like a horse

   My friend hates it when I put his chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers. He gets his snickers in a twix.

   Why isn't the Super Bowl on Saturday? My Sunday party plans end about 8pm...