Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just her or did anyone else think we would be living like the Jetson's in 2010?!

   Life is like a warm cookie, you think you got it in one peice then it all crumbles

   wondering " Why Beyonce not wearing a G-string in Telephone Video with Lady Gaga??"

   I'm never buying video games from Mexican websites again. Super Mario Van Peebles is the worst game I've ever played.

   time to diet, my belly button went from looking surprised to a full blown grimace

   A boomerang is just a frisbee for douchebags with no friends.

   A psychologist cannot change a light bulb unless the light bulb really wants to change.

   Women should have an "I'm feeling lucky" button like Google has.

   3-pack condoms are ideal for married couples: Birthday, Christmas, and Valentine's Day.

   To be completely honest, you should know that I am a compulsive liar.

   Do not use "Whoomp! There it is!" unless it actually is there

   Just because I liked your status... Doesnt mean you have to like mine 2 seconds after... Didnt know you liked the idea of me sittin on the toliet..

   I failed my human anatomy exam today. I'm pretty sure it's because I'm blind in one ear though.

   "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" is a great song if you're into festive celebrations of inexplicable marital infidelity.

   My relationship status is like my iPad... I don't have an iPad.

   I need some quiet, alone time to comtemplate for a while. If you need me I'll be on MySpace.

   If you never faked being the victim of a shark attack in the pool, then you didn't have a childhood.

   you know....it seems Assholism runs in my family....

   just listed all my facebook friends as beneficiaries...if I die today, you're all gonna clear a cool .37 cents...oh yea

   I only live for two reasons: 1. I was born 2. I ain't dead yet