Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do not use "Whoomp! There it is!" unless it actually is there

   Just because I liked your status... Doesnt mean you have to like mine 2 seconds after... Didnt know you liked the idea of me sittin on the toliet..

   I failed my human anatomy exam today. I'm pretty sure it's because I'm blind in one ear though.

   "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" is a great song if you're into festive celebrations of inexplicable marital infidelity.

   My relationship status is like my iPad... I don't have an iPad.

   I need some quiet, alone time to comtemplate for a while. If you need me I'll be on MySpace.

   If you never faked being the victim of a shark attack in the pool, then you didn't have a childhood.

   you know....it seems Assholism runs in my family....

   just listed all my facebook friends as beneficiaries...if I die today, you're all gonna clear a cool .37 cents...oh yea

   I only live for two reasons: 1. I was born 2. I ain't dead yet

   Folger's lied... There is no "best part of waking up", no matter what you put in my cup!

   Some people bring out the worst in you, others bring out the best, and then there are those remarkably rare, addictive ones who just bring out the most. Of everything. They make you feel so alive that you'd follow them straight into hell, to get the fix

   Christmas - when loved ones visit to celebrate someone born in a barn but complain that your sofabed's uncomfortable.

   Scientist - My findings are pointless when they are taken out of context......Main Stream Media - Scientist claims "findings are pointless."

   Now that I have hit 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka. I wonder if Metamucil will mix with Bourbon? Hmmmmm.....

   Never Laugh at your wife's Choice.....You are one of them

   The word "goodnight" makes my 1-yr-old cry, so I've had to rewrite some bedtime stories. "Howdy, Moon!"

   I think my girlfriend misunderstood me when I asked if we could go to "the outback" tonight!

   Who the puck names their kid Wolfgang?

   I read through my phone, hoping there weren't any drunk texts by me from the night before. Apparently I dirty texted everyone, even my boss.