Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   keeps a fake journal claiming I've done monumental stuff, so if I ever develop amnesia, I'm gonna think I'm freakin' AWESOME!

   Why is the dollar drink @ Mc D's smaller than the dollar Sweet Tea?? I jus dump that sh*t out n refill it wit Hi-C.

   What do you call a pig with 3 eyes...??? A Piiig!...Stupid yes, but you know you'll tell it.

   I asked my kid, “Do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It's so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”

   All I want for Christmas is for Santa to give me a copy of his naughty list. ;0)

   asks, What can brown do for you?... Brown will whoop ur ass, just ask Rhianna or Whitney

   Funny, I have a fifth grader and the stuff that he is learning in school is not the stuff that is on "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader". What elementary school do those kids go to?!?

   Next Week is not good for me the Jonas Brothers are in town

   I'm feeling adventurous, so I'm going to go to sleep and try to dodge Freddy Krueger. Wish me luck!

   I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

   A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths

   Dear Sally, selling seashells on the seashore is bad salesmanship. You can just pick them up off the ground behind you.

   Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

   just her or did anyone else think we would be living like the Jetson's in 2010?!

   Life is like a warm cookie, you think you got it in one peice then it all crumbles

   wondering " Why Beyonce not wearing a G-string in Telephone Video with Lady Gaga??"

   I'm never buying video games from Mexican websites again. Super Mario Van Peebles is the worst game I've ever played.

   time to diet, my belly button went from looking surprised to a full blown grimace

   A boomerang is just a frisbee for douchebags with no friends.

   A psychologist cannot change a light bulb unless the light bulb really wants to change.