Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This is odd... I just got a letter in the mail saying I'm being sued by Lindsay Lohan for throwing up last weekend?

   What you call sex ed, I call Saturday night...

   People are puzzled with all the dead birds in Arkansas...Really? It's Arkansas folks...just surprised they lasted as long as they did before they figured they could end their stay there by hurling themselves to the ground...

   I know you're great Superman, but telling a reporter your weaknesses and about your background was rather moronic of you. Why don't you just give your enemies a "How to beat Superman" list.

   Met someone today named Ophelia Ball. Was I childish for giggling during encounter?

   500 birds fell out of sky in Louisiana too? OK that's it, something crazy is going on. Where's Fox Mulder when you need him?

   asks, What can brown do for you?... Brown will whoop ur ass, just ask Rhianna or Whitney

   Funny, I have a fifth grader and the stuff that he is learning in school is not the stuff that is on "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader". What elementary school do those kids go to?!?

   Next Week is not good for me the Jonas Brothers are in town

   I'm feeling adventurous, so I'm going to go to sleep and try to dodge Freddy Krueger. Wish me luck!

   I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

   Some call it stalking. I call it love.

   You look as guilty as a pedophile on parole at Chucky Cheese.

   Has anyone else noticed that mirrors look really sexy?

   Hi, I'm chucky! wanna play?"

   Rejection is tough, I heard that your hand fell asleep on you last night.

   keeps a fake journal claiming I've done monumental stuff, so if I ever develop amnesia, I'm gonna think I'm freakin' AWESOME!

   Why is the dollar drink @ Mc D's smaller than the dollar Sweet Tea?? I jus dump that sh*t out n refill it wit Hi-C.

   What do you call a pig with 3 eyes...??? A Piiig!...Stupid yes, but you know you'll tell it.

   I asked my kid, “Do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It's so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”