Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

   That moment of panic when you accidentally hurt someone else's child and the parents are in the next room

   People make life so hard. smile be happy. hold no grudges. and have sex

   You can always tell when a blonde has used a vibrator... Her front teeth are broken!

   Volvos are one of the safest vehicles on the road. Thats why I got my wife a Ford Explorer.

   my new GF may be short but I'm nuts over her!

   quit critiquing dumb ass, it is a joke.

   Ladies, if you have to stand in front of us picking you underware out of your butt you might want to consider jeans that aren't so tight they require us to watch that type of nastiness...

   The sign it Said wet floor, So I did.

   High on life and also a tiny bit of paint.

   *Spoiler Alert* Tonight's State of the Union address will go as follows; There are no jobs,gas prices are outrageous, crime is on the rise, and the economy still SUCKS....THE END!

   “Facebook is the people you went to school with. Twitter is the people you wished you went to school with.”

   Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

   Dominos selling subs is like Subway selling pizzas, stop it. Nothing is gonna make us forget that your pizza tastes like crap.

   So pathetic when some people use Facebook as their drama diary. Every. Freakin. Day. If your life is really that bad, you should probably do something about it. No, whining on Facebook is not considered "something."

   I don't objectify women but I do womanify objects. Namely this sexy ass toaster over here. Hey, girl.

   I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.

   Every time a couple gets married, two single people stop existing.

   I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, 'what do you have to tell me?' he said, 'I don't know, never made it this far'

   Single mothers must make the toughest decisions every day...... Decisions like "Which of my children's toys is giving up its batteries for mommy's toy?"