Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Afroman was going to make another cd....but then he got high.

   I want to get to know you better like, Do you have any cake? What kind of cookies do you bake? & Where do you keep these cookies & cake?

   I bet Abraham Lincoln killing vampires isn't half as good as the movie I just made up about Bill Clinton beaver Destroyer.

   I am an Illegal! I came to take your job. But you don't have one to take!!!

   The 4 most popular words after sh!tty sex: “I cheated for this?”

   Corned beef and cabbage. Proof that drunk people really will eat anything.

   How to wash dishes: 1. Place dirty plates and silverware in the sink. 2. Wait.

   My new girlfriend really takes my breath away.... She's inflatable.

   I didn't call you fat; I said wicker furniture normally doesn't scream like that.

   ~~ S.I.N.G.L.E = (S)tress (I)s (N)ow (G)one, (L)oser (E)radicated. 

   It doesn't matter what your conversation candy hearts say, as long as you remembered to soak them overnight in Rohypnol.

   Am I the only one that finds it ironic that only one company is allowed to make the game Monopoly...

   If we take away those long rods gas stations use to change their signs, gas prices will never go up again. YOU'RE WELCOME.

   Ok, my friends list is now exactly at 1.000 people! I'm not adding anymore. New request will be forwarded to the Hosni Mubarak's facebook page, because the poor guy has 0 friends!

   Don't be a drag, just be a queen.

   I'm not addicted to Facebook. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.

   thinking about landscaping the back yard with fake Easter grass.

   your teeth are like the stars - yellow and far away from eachother

   You're always like a "deer in the headlights" when you look at the menu at Dairy Queen....You just don't know what to get.

   I saw the new Limited Edition Divorce Barbie on ebay tonight, it comes with all Ken's stuff!