Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It doesn't matter what your conversation candy hearts say, as long as you remembered to soak them overnight in Rohypnol.

   Am I the only one that finds it ironic that only one company is allowed to make the game Monopoly...

   If we take away those long rods gas stations use to change their signs, gas prices will never go up again. YOU'RE WELCOME.

   Ok, my friends list is now exactly at 1.000 people! I'm not adding anymore. New request will be forwarded to the Hosni Mubarak's facebook page, because the poor guy has 0 friends!

   Don't be a drag, just be a queen.

   I'm not addicted to Facebook. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.

   thinking about landscaping the back yard with fake Easter grass.

   your teeth are like the stars - yellow and far away from eachother

   You're always like a "deer in the headlights" when you look at the menu at Dairy Queen....You just don't know what to get.

   I saw the new Limited Edition Divorce Barbie on ebay tonight, it comes with all Ken's stuff!

   A Hickey from Kenicki is like a hallmark card...when you care enough to send the very best!! RIP JEFF CONWAY!!!

   Life is a puzzle. Stop trying to place people where they don't fit.

   ThatMomentOfPanic as a kid when one of your parents is coming at you with a belt..................."Do I stay or do I run!!!"

   Why is it so hard to find a soothsayer in this day and age?!

   The Jeremy Kyle show........ The only place a baby has more teeth than all 4 of it's parents put together

   My life is like this. I need a spoon but the only thing they offer are chopsticks.

   i wish my shower at home had a knob for a "spot free rinse".

   If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results

   They say to call your doctor if you've had an erection from these pills for more than four hours... but what if your doctor is ugly?

   thinks it's hilarious that some people see any comparison at all between Wall St protesters freely demonstrating and slavery.