Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One day I wanna copy someone's status word for word and see if they notice.

   I have seen many men undergo difficult tasks for the slim chance of getting laid.

   I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.

   Oh so now I'm invisible to you? That's cool. I've always wanted a superpower.

   The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has a zero percent success rate

   The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

   I just saw a woman lick her Cell Phone screen. I'm assuming to clean it since I don't know where she would've gotten any pics of me!

   Ebonics 101:"Free my Ni**A"= although he did commit a crime that is against the law ..release him from jail because he is my friend

   My favorite sexual position is "Leaving".

   second guessed over 80% of the decisions that I have made in life. Maybe 90%.

   I really, really, really enjoy watching people cry when they get sent home on X Factor. I smile everytime the tears fall.

   Sex is like a restaurent: Sometimes you get great service, Sometimes you get poor service, and sometimes you get self service.

   Don't you love it when your iPod is about to fall, and your earphones save it's life?

   Afroman was going to make another cd....but then he got high.

   I want to get to know you better like, Do you have any cake? What kind of cookies do you bake? & Where do you keep these cookies & cake?

   I bet Abraham Lincoln killing vampires isn't half as good as the movie I just made up about Bill Clinton beaver Destroyer.

   I am an Illegal! I came to take your job. But you don't have one to take!!!

   The 4 most popular words after sh!tty sex: “I cheated for this?”

   Corned beef and cabbage. Proof that drunk people really will eat anything.

   How to wash dishes: 1. Place dirty plates and silverware in the sink. 2. Wait.