Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sometimes Captain America has to call Captain Canada for help, like if he needs to convert miles into kilometers.

   Dude she has a boyfriend? -Yeah so? Soccer has a goalie ,doesn't mean you can't score ;}

   If I drank a beer for every good man I've ever met, I'd still be sober...

   If I had a time machine I would go back in time 20 minutes & unsmell my cousin Daryl's finger.

   It's all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw

   Can't contemplate how a person could be negative on something that doesn't pertain to their specific region. Like it or leave it alone. Your ignorance doesn't make it less funny.

   Haters are like crickets. Crickets make a lot of noise, you hear it but you can't see them. Then right when you walk by them, they're quiet. Dont be a cricket

   One day I wanna copy someone's status word for word and see if they notice.

   I have seen many men undergo difficult tasks for the slim chance of getting laid.

   I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.

   Oh so now I'm invisible to you? That's cool. I've always wanted a superpower.

   The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has a zero percent success rate

   The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

   I just saw a woman lick her Cell Phone screen. I'm assuming to clean it since I don't know where she would've gotten any pics of me!

   Ebonics 101:"Free my Ni**A"= although he did commit a crime that is against the law ..release him from jail because he is my friend

   My favorite sexual position is "Leaving".

   second guessed over 80% of the decisions that I have made in life. Maybe 90%.

   I really, really, really enjoy watching people cry when they get sent home on X Factor. I smile everytime the tears fall.

   Sex is like a restaurent: Sometimes you get great service, Sometimes you get poor service, and sometimes you get self service.

   Don't you love it when your iPod is about to fall, and your earphones save it's life?