Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's magic in the air and it's called Wifi.

   Tip Of The Day # 12232013 (for novice surgeon doctors ) " The way to a man's heart is through his stomach "

   To catch a bus you have to think like a bus!

   You should be able to pick a theme for your Facebook movie... Because some of you should need to pick drama...

   In Kanyes defense, you would be an a$$hole too if you had to hang out with Kanye all the time.

   Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin' strips. Let's see if the customers notice.

   So this 19 year old Miranda chick on Craigslist says she's interested in me!!

   Calling it his "junk" is probably the least sexy thing a guy could do...

   When someone throws a drink in my face I just open my mouth so we both win.

   Money doesn’t buy happiness... Wait, look at all of those smiling women walking around wearing diamonds.

   So when I pump gas, has my truck pumped all the other vehicles that this nozzle has pumped?

   If only life was as easy as getting fat.

   I bet you'd have less haters if you could make it through a day without talking about having haters.

   Will be taking part in the looting and anarchy that's sure to come with tonight's government shutdown......

   I was wondering why my pants felt so comfortable till I realized they were still in the drawer.

   Sticks and stones may break your bones but PMS can kill you.

   You can't fix stupid but you can avoid dating it.

   My neighbour's cat just menacingly hissed at me for stroking it. Now I finally know how married men feel.

   Netflix gives you 15 seconds between episodes to decide whether or not you're doing anything with your life today.

   Every day that I don't die is the best day of my life.