Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If only life was as easy as getting fat.

   I bet you'd have less haters if you could make it through a day without talking about having haters.

   Will be taking part in the looting and anarchy that's sure to come with tonight's government shutdown......

   I was wondering why my pants felt so comfortable till I realized they were still in the drawer.

   Sticks and stones may break your bones but PMS can kill you.

   You can't fix stupid but you can avoid dating it.

   My neighbour's cat just menacingly hissed at me for stroking it. Now I finally know how married men feel.

   Netflix gives you 15 seconds between episodes to decide whether or not you're doing anything with your life today.

   Every day that I don't die is the best day of my life.

   No, YOU seem to be around whenever there's trouble, officer.

   Can't believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn't using the slogan "Once you go black, you don't go back." - some hooker

   thought john and kate plus eight was a porno.

   Waiting for them to blame "Bush" for attacking Libya...just saying

   Dear Obama, It's ok..... No one believes in me anymore either. Sincerely, Santa

   I don't know about you, but I'm sick of seeing disabled people being pushed around...

   Can someone tell me why there is braille on the drive thru ATM machine....Am I missing something here

   wonders when the Pope will tear down the 39 foot tall wall that surrounds the Vatican; a sovereign country.

   I just heard a woman in a supermarket say this to her 7(ish) year old daughter... "Don't spit! Ladies never spit!" Priceless.

   So you watch a 30 minute video and think you're an activist now??? Ha

   Donna Brazille and Fauxcahontas both confirm Crooked Hillary rigged the DNC to win the nomination yet still lost the election. President Trump was right again. Dummy-crats still stupefied.