Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Calling it his "junk" is probably the least sexy thing a guy could do...

   When someone throws a drink in my face I just open my mouth so we both win.

   Money doesn’t buy happiness... Wait, look at all of those smiling women walking around wearing diamonds.

   So when I pump gas, has my truck pumped all the other vehicles that this nozzle has pumped?

   If only life was as easy as getting fat.

   I bet you'd have less haters if you could make it through a day without talking about having haters.

   Will be taking part in the looting and anarchy that's sure to come with tonight's government shutdown......

   I was wondering why my pants felt so comfortable till I realized they were still in the drawer.

   Sticks and stones may break your bones but PMS can kill you.

   You can't fix stupid but you can avoid dating it.

   My neighbour's cat just menacingly hissed at me for stroking it. Now I finally know how married men feel.

   Netflix gives you 15 seconds between episodes to decide whether or not you're doing anything with your life today.

   Every day that I don't die is the best day of my life.

   No, YOU seem to be around whenever there's trouble, officer.

   Can't believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn't using the slogan "Once you go black, you don't go back." - some hooker

   thought john and kate plus eight was a porno.

   Waiting for them to blame "Bush" for attacking Libya...just saying

   Dear Obama, It's ok..... No one believes in me anymore either. Sincerely, Santa

   I don't know about you, but I'm sick of seeing disabled people being pushed around...

   Can someone tell me why there is braille on the drive thru ATM machine....Am I missing something here