Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wishes exercising was just as easy to do as eating is.

   Kristin Stewart doesn't look bored to me. She looks just like all the girls I have sex with.

   If there's one thing I really can't stand when I'm drunk, it's up.

   So my old company keeps trying to get me to come back. They must have some new high tech layoff system they want to test.

   Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry

   Somewhere out there, a man named Private Number is sobbing uncontrollably because no one ever takes his phone calls.

   I can't wait for 12G phones,,, They'll be able to post my posts before I'm finished typing them,, And they'll probably be funnier too.

   It's not flirting it's being extra nice to someone extra attractive!

   songpop should get rid of modern rap and today's hits. neither have anything with actual music.

   some people are like clouds, once they f__K off it becomes a nice day.

   The Divorce Judge told me I had to give my ex-wfie a vehicle, so I just Fed-Ex'd her an old broom...

   Not putting metal in your microwave also means not feeling like an awesome sorcerer in your own kitchen.

   I have so many issues, popular magazines would get jealous.

   The sooner you admit that you love me, the sooner I will stop spray painting my name in hearts on your car & leave you alone like all men.

   Threw a rock in the pond and heard your name... it sounded just like this "DOUCHE"

   A good diet is follow me around the grocery store and don't buy anything I get.

   If love is a battlefield, and love is also blind, it makes sense why the outcome is always a huge disaster.

   Went on a date and didn't look at my phone for 3 hours. Getting the wedding invites printed tomorrow.

   There are hundreds of ways to make a woman happy and only one to make a man happy: LEAVE HIM ALONE.

   I would rather lose you than lose myself.