Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not putting metal in your microwave also means not feeling like an awesome sorcerer in your own kitchen.

   I have so many issues, popular magazines would get jealous.

   The sooner you admit that you love me, the sooner I will stop spray painting my name in hearts on your car & leave you alone like all men.

   Threw a rock in the pond and heard your name... it sounded just like this "DOUCHE"

   A good diet is follow me around the grocery store and don't buy anything I get.

   If love is a battlefield, and love is also blind, it makes sense why the outcome is always a huge disaster.

   Went on a date and didn't look at my phone for 3 hours. Getting the wedding invites printed tomorrow.

   There are hundreds of ways to make a woman happy and only one to make a man happy: LEAVE HIM ALONE.

   I would rather lose you than lose myself.

   You won't be able to talk after I give you multiple sarcasms.

   Every woman is beautiful, but some are only beautiful in the dark.

   I met a girl who told me she was a hopeless romantic. I don't want to be with her if she's hopeless.

   "Pay attention to me when I'm ignoring you!"- women

   Why can't the devil just swallow his pride and beg GOD 4 forgiveness so we can all go back to the Garden of Eden & live happily NAKED.

   Then god said: how can I make men act stupid?...then he created women.

   Note to self...apparently management doesn't find the game of hide-and-go-seek as amusing as I do....which sucks cuz I had an awesome hiding spot!!!

   I save a lot of money on therapy because my childhood imaginary friend earned his PhD in psychology.

   It's ironic that you mean "coincidental" when you said "ironic" because, ironically, you dont know the definition of "irony."

   I check your profile once a week to see if you posted a nude. Sue me

   Any woman can find a problem and complain about it, but great women know how to fix them.