Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've never understood the big deal some people make when they clean house and say "you can eat off the floor"...on any given day, there's enough food on my floor to feed a small family...

   I admit women are hard to figure out. Like, why do you tilt your head in pictures??

   It's not stalking if she doesn't know

   I've given out the same candy for over 5 Halloweens now. It's a Jolly Rancher... on a string.

   I thought I had a real feeling today. Turned out I was just sober.

   I'll drink enough for both of us because I'm just a caring person.

   Buy her alcohol, lots of alcohol. Women love it when you buy them alcohol.

   Was it really that much of a surprise? Elmo has been playing with kids while he was naked the whole time.

   Man, I get a lot of junk emails. Apparently, there's a lot of folks out there that wanna make my p enis 3 inches longer.

   When opportunity knocks, I usually have the music turned up way to loud to hear it.

   I'm sorry but if someone busted out of my birthday cake, they better have another cake in their hands because I really like cake. ....

   Watching Nightmare Before Christmas with a nice mug of wine and a bag of Doritos. This is the post-graduate life.

   I was wondering about my genealogy so I traced my family tree. Leaf it to me to trace my roots only to find out I'm the sap.

   wishes exercising was just as easy to do as eating is.

   Kristin Stewart doesn't look bored to me. She looks just like all the girls I have sex with.

   If there's one thing I really can't stand when I'm drunk, it's up.

   So my old company keeps trying to get me to come back. They must have some new high tech layoff system they want to test.

   Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry

   Somewhere out there, a man named Private Number is sobbing uncontrollably because no one ever takes his phone calls.

   I can't wait for 12G phones,,, They'll be able to post my posts before I'm finished typing them,, And they'll probably be funnier too.