Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I thought I had a real feeling today. Turned out I was just sober.
←Rate | 11-02-2012 01:46 by Czovczov Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'll drink enough for both of us because I'm just a caring person.
←Rate | 11-03-2012 11:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Buy her alcohol, lots of alcohol. Women love it when you buy them alcohol.
←Rate | 11-09-2012 02:10 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Was it really that much of a surprise? Elmo has been playing with kids while he was naked the whole time.
←Rate | 11-12-2012 19:14 by Guam Comments (0)  


   messageicon Man, I get a lot of junk emails. Apparently, there's a lot of folks out there that wanna make my p enis 3 inches longer.
←Rate | 11-17-2012 15:06 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon When opportunity knocks, I usually have the music turned up way to loud to hear it.
←Rate | 11-24-2012 11:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm sorry but if someone busted out of my birthday cake, they better have another cake in their hands because I really like cake. ....
←Rate | 11-29-2012 21:48 by @OMFG_Rel8able Comments (0)  


   messageicon Watching Nightmare Before Christmas with a nice mug of wine and a bag of Doritos. This is the post-graduate life.
←Rate | 12-01-2012 01:30 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I was wondering about my genealogy so I traced my family tree. Leaf it to me to trace my roots only to find out I'm the sap.
←Rate | 12-03-2012 19:41 by hihuggiehi Comments (1)  


   messageicon wishes exercising was just as easy to do as eating is.
←Rate | 12-07-2012 18:07 by Prince Shawn Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kristin Stewart doesn't look bored to me. She looks just like all the girls I have sex with.
←Rate | 12-14-2012 13:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If there's one thing I really can't stand when I'm drunk, it's up.
←Rate | 07-17-2012 22:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So my old company keeps trying to get me to come back. They must have some new high tech layoff system they want to test.
←Rate | 07-18-2012 13:32 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry
←Rate | 07-19-2012 09:15 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Somewhere out there, a man named Private Number is sobbing uncontrollably because no one ever takes his phone calls.
←Rate | 07-28-2012 11:10 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  


   messageicon I can't wait for 12G phones,,, They'll be able to post my posts before I'm finished typing them,, And they'll probably be funnier too.
←Rate | 07-29-2012 07:56 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's not flirting it's being extra nice to someone extra attractive!
←Rate | 08-01-2012 01:37 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  


   messageicon songpop should get rid of modern rap and today's hits. neither have anything with actual music.
←Rate | 08-03-2012 12:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon some people are like clouds, once they f__K off it becomes a nice day.
←Rate | 08-07-2012 10:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Divorce Judge told me I had to give my ex-wfie a vehicle, so I just Fed-Ex'd her an old broom...
←Rate | 08-09-2012 08:12 by SEAN Comments (0)  




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