Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I live my life without regrets, except for that one time I said "I do."

   Everyone loves "sexy mom" except her kids

   Started off 2013 right by hitting the gym bright and early, mainly because they wouldn't cancel my membership over the phone.

   Just because you've had a lot of lovers doesn't automatically mean you're an ideal one.

   Ladies please stop looking for a man to sweep you off your feet, there are no brooms that big.

   If sex is the only basis for your relationship, make sure it's good enough so that you never have to talk.

   if you ever see me lying on the side of the road, do me a solid and pause my iFit...

   I've never understood the big deal some people make when they clean house and say "you can eat off the floor"...on any given day, there's enough food on my floor to feed a small family...

   I admit women are hard to figure out. Like, why do you tilt your head in pictures??

   It's not stalking if she doesn't know

   I've given out the same candy for over 5 Halloweens now. It's a Jolly Rancher... on a string.

   I thought I had a real feeling today. Turned out I was just sober.

   I'll drink enough for both of us because I'm just a caring person.

   Buy her alcohol, lots of alcohol. Women love it when you buy them alcohol.

   Was it really that much of a surprise? Elmo has been playing with kids while he was naked the whole time.

   Man, I get a lot of junk emails. Apparently, there's a lot of folks out there that wanna make my p enis 3 inches longer.

   When opportunity knocks, I usually have the music turned up way to loud to hear it.

   I'm sorry but if someone busted out of my birthday cake, they better have another cake in their hands because I really like cake. ....

   Watching Nightmare Before Christmas with a nice mug of wine and a bag of Doritos. This is the post-graduate life.

   I was wondering about my genealogy so I traced my family tree. Leaf it to me to trace my roots only to find out I'm the sap.