Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Billy the kid was so mean, he once shot a man for snoring, Me? I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
←Rate | 10-18-2011 22:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My manners disappear the more I have to repeat something. "Can you pass me the pen? The pen, can you pass it? Hello? GIVE ME THE F**KING PEN!!!"
←Rate | 11-03-2011 20:16 by @OMFG_Rel8able Comments (0)  

   messageicon MEAN PRANK: Replace Cocoa Puffs cereal with dry dog food.
←Rate | 11-14-2011 12:38 by @dj_soltrix Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women. Can't live with them, can't smell their hair without getting an erecti0n.
←Rate | 06-10-2012 08:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I confess that for years I thought 'Ass-less Chaps' referred to skinny British Guys.
←Rate | 12-02-2011 09:04 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon An important fact about women: They just want to b!tch about their problems. They don't want advice on how to fix them.
←Rate | 12-04-2011 03:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else
←Rate | 12-27-2011 17:48 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just changed the name of my wireless network to....♫ ♪ Pretty Fly for a Wi-Fi ♪ ♫
←Rate | 12-29-2011 17:56 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hear some are saying beyonce was never pregnant that someone else was carrying the baby.. I bets its Destinys child...
←Rate | 01-10-2012 13:57 by JG Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
←Rate | 05-15-2012 21:11 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon A man who has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings
←Rate | 05-20-2012 11:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I stoped stabing people in the back years ago... now I stab them right in the face...
←Rate | 12-15-2009 13:16 by chronic Iam Comments (0)  

   messageicon First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. Funny sense of humour my plumber has...
←Rate | 03-16-2010 20:14 by Y.P Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't think I'm better than others, it just so happens that so far, statistically, I am
←Rate | 04-05-2010 21:30 by kobrah Comments (0)  

   messageicon How come we can't say the word n*gro in a song but can have a group called Uncle Kracker?
←Rate | 04-15-2010 16:47 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Written outside a temple:Why should we beleive in GOD?because there are still some questions which cannot be answered by GOOGLE
←Rate | 04-19-2010 14:00 by Sumeet Comments (0)  

   messageicon behind every strong girl is an a$$hole who made her that way
←Rate | 05-16-2010 21:58 by paulb808 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What is the difference between English soccer and Bill Clinton? Bill Clinton can score.
←Rate | 06-21-2010 13:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why burp when you can fart? You're cheating your ass out of a good time.
←Rate | 09-17-2010 19:30 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.
←Rate | 09-20-2010 07:24 Comments (0)  

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