Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not fair to blame Pizza Hut for my weight gain. It was more of a Domino effect.

   I'm at the Bill Murray decides to join the army point of my life.

   "The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." :)

   If you're talking on your cell phone in a public bathroom, don't get mad at me when I flush the toilet over and over so your friend knows *exactly* where you are.

   how much money should you give a homeless guy doing the Captain Morgan pose?

   old enough to remember when MTV wasn't just a camera someone left on in a trailer home.

   Never say never......or too much......or schumoblagaghadazjy, because that's hard to pronounce and doesn't mean anything.

   The christmas nativity play was cancelled. Not due to religious reasons, but because they couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin

   Dear Government, disco died, please update your hold music.

   I am addicted to updating my Facebook status. The first step is admitting I have a problem, right??

   am I the only one who gets the urge to kick small children when I see them walking really slowly in front of me?

   wonders how come so many people "Roll On The Floor *Laughing*" (ROTFL)? If I'm rolling on the floor, it's usually because I'm on fire. Send help.

   Breaking News: The National Weather Center has issued a tornado warning for Chattanooga TN. For your own safety head to Neyland Stadium in Knoxville, they're not worried about a touchdown there.......

   was so surprise when I was born that I didn't talk for a year and a half.

   hates people who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

   Warning for all you weekend basketball league playing guys: Be leary of the guy who smacks you on the butt and says "Nice shot, man!" when you didn't even take a shot...

   who you love is a reflection of how you love yourself...

   Today is the day we remember there is evil in the world......

   I hate rich people who think they are above and better than the poor and middle class,hey people when your gone they'll use manure on your grave just like mine

   never thought he'd be staring at boobs on sesame street….sweet.