Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just a thought but if you infected all the undead with tetanus, wouldn't lock jaw solve the pesky zombie problem?

   If I asked you to have sex with me... Would the answer to that question be the same as the answer to this question?

   I know what I'm getting all my Mayan friends for Christmas!

   I'm the Taylor Swift of blaming others for my problems

   I always hold the door open for ladies, but they never want to get in the van...

   I used to think air was free. Then I bought a bag of potato chips...

   I use the iPhone technique to keep a woman- I tell her I've grown, I've changed & that I'm 2x better. It changes everything.

   Hey old men, I don't know how it worked in the 1940's but today you don't have to talk to the person at the urinal next to you.

   How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on

   If Wheaties are “The Breakfast of Champions” then cold pizza has to be “The Late Night Snack of Fat Happy People”, right?

   Happy National Report Your Boss To HR Day everyone!!!

   OK ladies, my Dr said my heart is healthy enough for sex!!!

   Just saw a guy at the gym wipe his ass sweat with a towel then gives it to his friend, which wipes his whole face. I think that's true love.

   JAB: Going to listen to the Rocky theme and work out, well maybe just listen to the theme for some inspiration and think about when I use to work out. . .

   Mother caught me jerkin it when I was 13. She asked my dad when would I stop: He told her she'd have to ask someone older than him.

   Don't worry, you'll never be lazier than the guy who named the washer and dryer.

   Please everyone,, Hit the "like" button for my friend Emma Lyon's bagged manure company... And her best selling product,, " Emma Lyon's Sack-o-Crap"

   In honor of Yankees Superstar Alex Rodriguez's 211 game suspension for steroid use, the city of New York has announced that it plans to name the Verazno-Narrows Bridge (The longest suspension bridge in the world) the "A-Rod Suspension Bridge."

   Some TV commercials tell us to not try it at home. Where are we suppose to try it? At school?

   cooking tip : not everyone can be a chef you know... you can order a pizza,, there is nothing shameful about giving up