Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Driving a rental car means never knowing the safest place to wipe a booger without haphazardly finding someone else's.
←Rate | 06-14-2012 22:15 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon A cop texted me to pull over.
←Rate | 06-17-2012 11:59 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've never actually seen two women "scissoring" but I'd bet you a million dollars that it sounds like an armpit farting contest. :(
←Rate | 07-04-2012 22:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I shall open my own deli and my slogan will be: "No one beats my meat!"
←Rate | 10-26-2011 15:26 by KISSTOPHER Comments (0)  

   messageicon Now that I'm older I'm starting realize when my mom made me let her check my candy...It wasn't her way of trying to save me from the bad candy...She just wanted too steal the good stuff for herself...Thanks Mom
←Rate | 10-29-2011 21:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Since when did remembering names become such a thing? I think I offended dog face girl, again.
←Rate | 11-01-2011 16:21 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate daylight savings. Twice a year I have to set my alarm and get up at two in the morning to set my clock.....Damn.
←Rate | 11-05-2011 17:05 by K-Mac Comments (0)  

   messageicon Give a man a beer, drink for an hour. Teach a man to brew, drink for a lifetime. Give a man a wine cooler & you'll get knocked the f*ck out.
←Rate | 11-07-2011 14:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Want to surprise your girlfriend? Introduce her to your girlfriend
←Rate | 11-11-2011 15:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate it when women say "I want a guy who can handle me." What?!?! You're not a zoo animal. Handle your damn self.
←Rate | 03-15-2016 05:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump's security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
←Rate | 07-16-2016 05:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon And you say the CIA should treat the terrorists with kid's gloves.
←Rate | 12-15-2014 10:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ⚪️ single ⚪️ taken 🔘 stuck in 20 friend zones
←Rate | 12-29-2014 12:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
←Rate | 02-03-2015 20:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women think that if their man jacks off more, she won't have to have sex as often. Sorry ladies, that's not how it works.
←Rate | 04-03-2015 16:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "I'll see you in hell" should be followed with "and I won't even stop to say hi". Otherwise you're just making plans with someone you hate
←Rate | 04-18-2015 02:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Reverse cowgirl"… So you don't have to experience morning breath
←Rate | 06-19-2014 07:45 by YODA Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm going to as many Halloween parties as I can. I'll be in the invisible man. You'll just have to imagine I'm there. . .
←Rate | 10-30-2014 21:16 by JAB Comments (0)  

   messageicon "40 is the new 20!" - math teacher who's about to be fired
←Rate | 09-12-2013 19:25 by AZ Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm available if you wanna dance with somebody or wanna feel the heat with somebody... just sayin.
←Rate | 10-21-2013 13:19 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

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