Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 3010 of 6446

My girlfriend has a weird fetish, she likes to dress up like herself and act like a b!tch every night.

My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will?!? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite."

Sitting here, eating my Klondike bar, thinking....."I can't frickin believe I just did that!!"
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01-05-2011 01:30
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This is pure snow! Do you know what the street value of this mountain is?!
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01-08-2011 12:20
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throws his hand up and pretends he's on a roller-coaster whenever the plane takes off.
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01-22-2011 13:14 by Steve OH
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OMG Starbucks is raising the cost of coffees/lattes by another 10 cents..I cant afford it anymore!!!!!!!!! $ 4.50 was the highest I could pay !!!!

I'd go out more if I could bring my dog, b0ng, couch, and blanket with me.
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01-09-2012 15:47
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"Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge."

Just choked down three bites of a gas station hot dog and now I have 7 kinds of ass cancer.

Just ate a roast beef, ham, chicken, turkey, bologna sandwich topped with bacon...Just to piss Peta off.
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10-24-2011 21:03
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One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I'm going to bed

When people start a sentence with "Do you know what your problem is?" I interrupt and start telling them all my problems. They never expect that!
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11-03-2011 14:24 by Slasher
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Happy Mothers Day to all of you moms and single moms. Also, if any of you women are looking to be a mom; hit me up on the DM.
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05-13-2012 17:38
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Timex and Tampax should get together and invent something to let guys know its her time of the month.

For as little as $1 a day,,,, You can feed a family of 5 ducks chunks of bread down at your local pond.
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06-10-2012 20:16 by snotty
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Girls want a guy who is "funny and spontaneous", but when I tap on a girls window at night dressed as a clown, she flips out!
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06-25-2012 22:04 by BEGO
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Police Officer: "How high are you?" Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

There's only two ways to start your drive thru order: Hi I'd like to order or Lemme get a uhhh
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04-06-2012 09:27 by flinnie
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I sent that b!tch a smiley face. B!tches LOVE smiley faces

To show you all how much I care...this Valentines's I've randomly scattered bouquets of flowers around local cemetaries for you to find...Happy Valentines Day!...
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02-14-2012 08:48
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