Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon Just a thought but if you infected all the undead with tetanus, wouldn't lock jaw solve the pesky zombie problem?
←Rate | 11-16-2012 09:23 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I asked you to have sex with me... Would the answer to that question be the same as the answer to this question?
←Rate | 11-21-2012 23:54 by kmj Comments (0)  

   messageicon I know what I'm getting all my Mayan friends for Christmas!
←Rate | 11-25-2012 17:24 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm the Taylor Swift of blaming others for my problems
←Rate | 12-07-2012 08:33 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I always hold the door open for ladies, but they never want to get in the van...
←Rate | 12-11-2012 19:02 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon I used to think air was free. Then I bought a bag of potato chips...
←Rate | 12-11-2012 19:07 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon I use the iPhone technique to keep a woman- I tell her I've grown, I've changed & that I'm 2x better. It changes everything.
←Rate | 09-17-2012 09:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey old men, I don't know how it worked in the 1940's but today you don't have to talk to the person at the urinal next to you.
←Rate | 09-24-2012 08:29 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on
←Rate | 09-25-2012 17:45 by Jackoo Comments (0)  

   messageicon If Wheaties are “The Breakfast of Champions” then cold pizza has to be “The Late Night Snack of Fat Happy People”, right?
←Rate | 10-01-2012 10:24 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Happy National Report Your Boss To HR Day everyone!!!
←Rate | 10-01-2012 17:56 by Chris H Comments (0)  

   messageicon OK ladies, my Dr said my heart is healthy enough for sex!!!
←Rate | 10-15-2012 18:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just saw a guy at the gym wipe his ass sweat with a towel then gives it to his friend, which wipes his whole face. I think that's true love.
←Rate | 07-03-2013 17:44 by Shivam Comments (0)  

   messageicon JAB: Going to listen to the Rocky theme and work out, well maybe just listen to the theme for some inspiration and think about when I use to work out. . .
←Rate | 07-14-2013 19:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Mother caught me jerkin it when I was 13. She asked my dad when would I stop: He told her she'd have to ask someone older than him.
←Rate | 07-20-2013 13:55 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't worry, you'll never be lazier than the guy who named the washer and dryer.
←Rate | 07-20-2013 18:36 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Please everyone,, Hit the "like" button for my friend Emma Lyon's bagged manure company... And her best selling product,, " Emma Lyon's Sack-o-Crap"
←Rate | 08-02-2013 14:22 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon In honor of Yankees Superstar Alex Rodriguez's 211 game suspension for steroid use, the city of New York has announced that it plans to name the Verazno-Narrows Bridge (The longest suspension bridge in the world) the "A-Rod Suspension Bridge."
←Rate | 08-05-2013 21:01 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Some TV commercials tell us to not try it at home. Where are we suppose to try it? At school?
←Rate | 08-08-2013 02:04 by Luka Comments (0)  

   messageicon cooking tip : not everyone can be a chef you know... you can order a pizza,, there is nothing shameful about giving up
←Rate | 08-16-2013 09:36 by snotty Comments (0)  

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