Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Ladies,there's something called "you can't get pregnant through the mouth".
←Rate | 09-06-2013 13:51 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I came so hard earlier today my index finger is still bragging about it
←Rate | 04-12-2013 07:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Having sex is like vacuuming; It should be loud enough to scare your pets, involve a whole lot of sucking, and it's best if you do it often in every room of the house.
←Rate | 04-25-2013 18:31 by minnie haha Comments (0)  

   messageicon My neighbor bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now she can't sneak up on the cat to put it on him.
←Rate | 05-07-2013 23:27 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon ***BREAKING*** Jodi Arias found GUILTY of 1st Degree Murder, Now lets find them 3 kidnapping brothers guilty too!
←Rate | 05-08-2013 16:57 by Jitney Comments (0)  

   messageicon you should only be able to change your relationship status once every 30 days!
←Rate | 09-04-2012 15:37 by wam336 Comments (0)  

   messageicon it sad that the plans I make after work depend on how much charge I have left in my phone battery?
←Rate | 10-10-2012 05:21 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon Guys, don't give a girl your attention or she'll lose interest. Also, if you don't give her attention someone else will. It's really simple.
←Rate | 01-24-2013 07:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon BJ’s after marriage are like Big Foot. Heard of but never seen…
←Rate | 01-28-2013 12:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon an alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
←Rate | 04-06-2010 23:54 by QueenBee404 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Quite a number of women put "Ugh" in their statuses to show the stress and pain of their "situation." To me it almost sounds like you're constipated. "Ugh!! I really don't wanna go to work today, ugh!"
←Rate | 05-23-2010 02:21 by Danmanz Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, everyone remembers. Funny how that works.
←Rate | 05-23-2010 21:26 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon ...after driving from Portland to Seattle, I no longer have a sense of peace on earth, nor any goodwill toward men… or that b*^%# in the Mazda just north of Tacoma.
←Rate | 12-27-2010 00:06 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I'm a man of tradition, but My girl has convinced me it's time to stop celebrating, and time to take down the decorations. I suppose she's right. It's been a few months since her mum's funeral.
←Rate | 01-02-2011 20:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have enough caffeine in right now that I can probably pull off a Jessie Spanno... i'm so, i'm so, i'm so scared
←Rate | 01-21-2011 10:54 by tristancharles Comments (0)  

   messageicon was very excited until my wife informed me that is NOT why they call it Hump Day. Sure, honey. And I suppose that Cinco de Mayo has nothing to do with mayonnaise?
←Rate | 11-03-2010 08:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon DRUNK DIAL: The lame assumption that when you drink heavily that people want to talk to your emotional ass at 4am!
←Rate | 11-05-2010 09:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wow!! Scientists have created mice from two males. Sadly, the mice cannot ask, nor tell, about it. ....
←Rate | 12-10-2010 07:40 by Bill Comments (0)  

   messageicon I took my girlfriend to see the new Twilight movie today. It was bad. The Gulf Of Mexico is in better shape than that movie's plotline.
←Rate | 07-02-2010 01:44 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Remember when TV was free?
←Rate | 07-13-2010 18:46 by Danmanz Comments (0)  

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