Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies,there's something called "you can't get pregnant through the mouth".

   I came so hard earlier today my index finger is still bragging about it

   Having sex is like vacuuming; It should be loud enough to scare your pets, involve a whole lot of sucking, and it's best if you do it often in every room of the house.

   My neighbor bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now she can't sneak up on the cat to put it on him.

   ***BREAKING*** Jodi Arias found GUILTY of 1st Degree Murder, Now lets find them 3 kidnapping brothers guilty too!

   you should only be able to change your relationship status once every 30 days!

   it sad that the plans I make after work depend on how much charge I have left in my phone battery?

   Guys, don't give a girl your attention or she'll lose interest. Also, if you don't give her attention someone else will. It's really simple.

   BJ’s after marriage are like Big Foot. Heard of but never seen…

   an alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

   Quite a number of women put "Ugh" in their statuses to show the stress and pain of their "situation." To me it almost sounds like you're constipated. "Ugh!! I really don't wanna go to work today, ugh!"

   When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, everyone remembers. Funny how that works.

   ...after driving from Portland to Seattle, I no longer have a sense of peace on earth, nor any goodwill toward men… or that b*^%# in the Mazda just north of Tacoma.

   I'm a man of tradition, but My girl has convinced me it's time to stop celebrating, and time to take down the decorations. I suppose she's right. It's been a few months since her mum's funeral.

   I have enough caffeine in right now that I can probably pull off a Jessie Spanno... i'm so, i'm so, i'm so scared

   was very excited until my wife informed me that is NOT why they call it Hump Day. Sure, honey. And I suppose that Cinco de Mayo has nothing to do with mayonnaise?

   DRUNK DIAL: The lame assumption that when you drink heavily that people want to talk to your emotional ass at 4am!

   Wow!! Scientists have created mice from two males. Sadly, the mice cannot ask, nor tell, about it. ....

   I took my girlfriend to see the new Twilight movie today. It was bad. The Gulf Of Mexico is in better shape than that movie's plotline.

   Remember when TV was free?