Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend has a weird fetish, she likes to dress up like herself and act like a b!tch every night.

   My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will?!? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite."

   Sitting here, eating my Klondike bar, thinking....."I can't frickin believe I just did that!!"

   This is pure snow! Do you know what the street value of this mountain is?!

   throws his hand up and pretends he's on a roller-coaster whenever the plane takes off.

   OMG Starbucks is raising the cost of coffees/lattes by another 10 cents..I cant afford it anymore!!!!!!!!! $ 4.50 was the highest I could pay !!!!

   I'd go out more if I could bring my dog, b0ng, couch, and blanket with me.

   "Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge."

   Just choked down three bites of a gas station hot dog and now I have 7 kinds of ass cancer.

   Just ate a roast beef, ham, chicken, turkey, bologna sandwich topped with bacon...Just to piss Peta off.

   One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I'm going to bed

   When people start a sentence with "Do you know what your problem is?" I interrupt and start telling them all my problems. They never expect that!

   Happy Mothers Day to all of you moms and single moms. Also, if any of you women are looking to be a mom; hit me up on the DM.

   Timex and Tampax should get together and invent something to let guys know its her time of the month.

   For as little as $1 a day,,,, You can feed a family of 5 ducks chunks of bread down at your local pond.

   Girls want a guy who is "funny and spontaneous", but when I tap on a girls window at night dressed as a clown, she flips out!

   Police Officer: "How high are you?" Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

   There's only two ways to start your drive thru order: Hi I'd like to order or Lemme get a uhhh

   I sent that b!tch a smiley face. B!tches LOVE smiley faces

   To show you all how much I care...this Valentines's I've randomly scattered bouquets of flowers around local cemetaries for you to find...Happy Valentines Day!...