Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon For Lent, I'm giving up beer for vodka.
←Rate | 02-21-2012 00:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon new job...shoving pretzels up screaming m&m's asses..its a living
←Rate | 02-23-2012 08:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Never trust a fat chick who doesn't wear her real size, she can't even be honest with herself.
←Rate | 02-26-2012 06:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm making a deal with Nicholas Cage that I'll see his movie but only after he really sets his face on fire.
←Rate | 02-27-2012 09:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon just read 1 in 5 people pee in the swimming pool...WTF, thats what the hot tub is for...
←Rate | 06-05-2012 17:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't need anger management -I need people to stop pissing me the hell off!!
←Rate | 06-07-2012 21:57 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon If we're gonna take this relationship to the next level, at some point you'll have to loosen my straps
←Rate | 06-12-2012 19:49 by gay jeffery Comments (0)  

   messageicon You say: "I now pronounce you man and wife". I hear: "FINISH HIM!!" (Mortal Combat music blasting)
←Rate | 06-14-2012 22:11 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Babies are the two extremes on the spectrum of smell. They either smell like heaven filled with lollipops or a microwaved porta-potty.
←Rate | 06-17-2012 05:25 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
←Rate | 06-22-2012 22:46 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you're the type of person who says "surprise me" to your waiter, then, Surprise! Your waiter hates you!
←Rate | 06-26-2012 06:10 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon You use Google every day but I bet you can't remember the order of the colors
←Rate | 07-02-2012 13:27 by Gee Comments (0)  

   messageicon You would have no idea that I have a College Degree based on how many times I push when it says “pull”.
←Rate | 07-10-2012 21:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Genitals, thanks for not bleeding every month. You're the best. Sincerely, a man.
←Rate | 02-15-2016 03:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I used to think the word "ostracized" was "ostrich-sized" and I was always like: "Good! Keep that bird-bodied weirdo away from me!"
←Rate | 03-13-2016 20:49 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
←Rate | 05-02-2016 06:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hillary Clinton is now the presumptive Democratic nominee. Bernie Sanders promises not to suspend his campaign even after she's president.
←Rate | 06-08-2016 06:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon MAKE AMERICA DRUNK AGAIN - thats the only way we are going to get through this election.
←Rate | 06-12-2016 13:47 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon [wife comes home from work] "why havent you done any of the things I asked you to" [the dog walks past dressed as a policeman] ive been busy
←Rate | 12-11-2014 00:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just spent 15 minutes searching for the remote to my surround sound receiver.. Couldn't find it so in frustration I went up and manually pushed the power button. What is this world coming too????
←Rate | 01-16-2015 17:58 by Pete G Comments (0)  

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