Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Sometimes I think that my parents had me just so I could clean the house for them.
←Rate | 03-10-2011 12:07 by Seddy90 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A woman in your arms, is worth two on the Net.
←Rate | 04-07-2011 07:24 by zd Comments (0)  

   messageicon Have you ever noticed after reading some peoples notices that they are just trying to get noticed. I also noticed that no one sends them a notice that their notice wasn't worth noticing.
←Rate | 08-20-2011 09:04 by JBabcock Comments (0)  

   messageicon My nieghbor told me she had the smartest dog in the nieghborhood. "He always gets my paper and my slippers for me". I told her "I know my dog told me and I can't get her to quit describing your dogs bad breath."
←Rate | 08-28-2011 08:30 by JBabcock Comments (0)  

   messageicon I need all my haters to do a favor for me real quick: Go plank on a machete.
←Rate | 09-20-2011 05:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Jesus' Greatest Miracles: 1) Turning water to wine... 2) Raising Lazarus... 3) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
←Rate | 08-14-2016 21:08 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm trying to be black so bad, I went out and got a white wife.
←Rate | 04-19-2013 01:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon going all the way on a first date also known as a "Hole in one"?
←Rate | 07-09-2013 19:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Chocolate is God's apology for brocolli
←Rate | 08-04-2013 18:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I had a dream too. It was to watch the last 5 minutes of General Hospital. Dammit.
←Rate | 08-28-2013 15:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yeah, gonna sue McDonalds. Just ate 7 of their happy meals and now I hate myself.
←Rate | 07-16-2012 20:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm pretty sure God created only 6 days, Monday was definitely made by Satan.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 22:27 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tip for the ladies: If you want a man to leave you alone at a bar, don't tell him you have a boyfriend. They don't care.Tell him you have a pen is.
←Rate | 12-23-2012 21:18 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just applied for a job at a beauty salon so I can get paid to give women facials.
←Rate | 01-07-2013 13:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have nothing against Texas. But if Houston doesn't clobber New England today, I'll burn all my ZZ Top albums, forget all about The Alamo, and never eat chili again! Kidding! (About the chili part.)
←Rate | 01-13-2013 12:59 by fazmanaz Comments (0)  

   messageicon When asked if she was lip-synching or not at the presidential inauguration, Beyonce replied "I would blame it on the rain, but unfortunately it wasn't raining just really cold, and girl you know it's true."
←Rate | 01-24-2013 15:09 by Ance Larmstrong Comments (0)  

   messageicon Was that a Budweiser or Burger King Commercial?
←Rate | 02-03-2013 21:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't believe in one night stands but I'm all for two night stands!!
←Rate | 11-19-2012 16:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A guy at work today asked a silly question. He said what could be possibly be better than winning the lottery tonight?? I said that's easy,,, winning it one day after your Divorce becomes FINAL!!!!
←Rate | 11-28-2012 20:25 by Pete G Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ever have one of those days where you thought you had enough lotion on your skin, but got the hose again? smh...
←Rate | 12-06-2012 20:08 Comments (0)  

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