Funny Status Messages for Facebook

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X says No thanks bar hag. If I wanted a boozing, chain smoking, pot bellied skank, I'd stayed married…

X Ugh. Do I really need to register to your website to leave a comment? I just need to disagree with this assh0le real quick.

X Leaving a watermelon on someone's doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

X says Thankfully restraining orders don't restrict freedom of thought!

X says I like my women like I like my chemistry… hard to understand and capable of blowing up at any time.

X Dude fell at Walgreen's & my CPR training instantly kicked in! Had to hit him with the AED (defibrillator) like three times though, because he kept resisting.........

X says For a long term relationship to work the amount of times she's a pain in the ass has to equal the amount of times he causes pain in her ass.

X is As I caress your firm roundness with my hands and press my face into your pink flesh your sweet juices run down my face. I love watermelon!!

X says Everything has a purpose. The burnt fry is used to scrape off half the mayo on the burger…

X I put my phone on "Airplane Mode" and threw it in the air! ...Worst transformer ever.

X says If you're going to have sex with a stranger, make sure you are stranger than them.

X says I bet cats are pissed they can't sit on televisions anymore.

X Woke up this morning swearing I could smell pancakes, but it seems I was just smellucinating.

X says My garter snake don't want none unless you got buns, hun.

X says Lick me like a lollipop.....but don't mistaken me for a sucker.

X says The people in my office believe less is more. The less the women wear, the more of their work the guys will do for them.

X is Hey I just met you and You're kinda Crazy  So lose my number  Don't call me lady

X says Okay guys thats enough. Let's all agree to stop drawing on Lil Wayne while he's passed out drunk.

X says Some people are never happy. They pray for rain then gripe about the humidiity...

X is LeBron James hairline got a back court violation.