Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon If women are never wrong, what happens if two women have a different opinion?
←Rate | 01-12-2016 07:05 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Everytime I see a mattress on a car, I always think it's a prostitute making a house call.
←Rate | 04-07-2016 05:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It looks like the joke will be on Hillary if she wins. She'll have to sit at the same desk Monica Lewinsky knelt under.......
←Rate | 04-09-2016 13:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey boys and girls, If Bernie Sanders is a "Conscientious Objector" to all wars ...... How Could He , In a SANE WORLD, Possibly Become the COMMANDER IN CHIEF of the military?
←Rate | 04-09-2016 22:26 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Don't worry Bernie supporters, there's a good chance Bernie will run as Retirement Home President sometime in the near future.
←Rate | 04-28-2016 05:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Waking up a 6yr old for school is a lot like AOL Online. Its slow, it whines and all progress is easily lost by electronic interference.
←Rate | 09-17-2013 09:09 by Joseph Robert Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women secretly orgasm at shoe sales.
←Rate | 09-20-2013 13:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Of course your opinion matters. Just not to me.
←Rate | 09-27-2013 16:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why do chicks say that they can count the number of dudes they been with on one hand?? B*tch you ain't got 20 fingers on one hand..
←Rate | 09-27-2013 19:39 by bryan j brown Comments (0)  

   messageicon This hot chick is totally hitting on me, women can have Adams apples right?
←Rate | 09-29-2013 07:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nothing makes an 80 year old Grandma from St. Louis cuss like two ballplayers in a World Series Game who simply watch an easy to catch pop fly simply fall to the ground.
←Rate | 10-23-2013 21:25 by Jiffy Pop Comments (0)  

   messageicon BTW: Is someone writing these down?... (my grandmother, after reading my status updates)
←Rate | 10-28-2013 18:15 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon m old enough to remember when the lamest thing in the world was to take pictures of yourself, like you had no friends
←Rate | 11-22-2013 05:35 by huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon My girlfriend doesn't have any superpowers, per se, but she is pretty good at making me forget my name using only her tongue.
←Rate | 10-04-2012 12:49 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon After all this time,,,How much Foo is there really left to fight?
←Rate | 10-09-2012 16:27 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon If your car looks like a cop car... YOU ARE VERY MUCH A DOUCHEBAG!!
←Rate | 10-10-2012 14:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If people winked as much in real life as they do in text, this world would be a really creepy place.
←Rate | 03-23-2013 03:29 by plexking Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've never met a vegan I didn't immediately hate.
←Rate | 04-08-2013 01:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish I was the person that got to choose what posts go on the wall.If you make me spit my coffee from laughing then you made it : )
←Rate | 05-17-2013 14:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Shhh... someone with glasses is talking.
←Rate | 06-08-2013 14:38 Comments (0)  

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