Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Let's have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.
←Rate | 10-30-2013 05:28 by huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I hate going to the Mall. I've always felt like they are watching or following me. I tried to prove it , but my wife just rolls her eyes. The shocking truth is every map I've ever seen in that place says "You are Here". How do they know that?
←Rate | 11-04-2013 05:25 by Jiffy Pop Comments (0)  

   messageicon Your face owes my eyeballs an apology.
←Rate | 11-08-2013 05:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Jean-Claude Van Damme and Steven Segal are living proof that talent is not that important to make it in Hollywood.
←Rate | 11-14-2013 11:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ...Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!
←Rate | 11-14-2013 14:24 by @OMFG_Rel8able Comments (0)  

   messageicon Redneck Foreplay: Get in the truck b*tch!
←Rate | 11-16-2013 12:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A woman will type "I'm fine" while she is crying.
←Rate | 12-12-2014 01:28 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Didn't even finish microwaving this Lean Cuisine before the suicide prevention hotline called me..
←Rate | 01-22-2015 11:23 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials, it’s that only attractive people take showers.
←Rate | 02-09-2015 09:30 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon "When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
←Rate | 02-11-2015 08:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Excuse me, are you using this mirror?" - Me, at the gym
←Rate | 08-18-2014 14:25 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wish this guy on the bus would take a Smellfie! Smellfie: Quickly taking a whiff of your own pits to see if you stink:
←Rate | 09-05-2014 13:05 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yeah, we also have a vegan option for those of you that can't deal with the guilt of being at the top of the food chain,,, you wuss.
←Rate | 11-12-2014 17:04 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Indi@n people win spelling bees, Jeopardy championships, and collegiate scholarships. They know everything...except the existence of deodorants.
←Rate | 11-21-2016 12:07 by Fazzella Comments (0)  

   messageicon Found some old Playboys in the attic from the 70's, maybe they shpuld have named the magazine "Hair Club for Men".
←Rate | 01-08-2016 13:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you come across a stranger in a dark alley immediately hug him so he knows you're not a threat.
←Rate | 01-19-2016 06:03 by huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to shut up. What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.
←Rate | 02-21-2016 03:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Always finish your salad, kids. A thousand islands died to make that dressing....
←Rate | 04-02-2016 02:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I grab my own boobs. Because, well, I can.
←Rate | 05-15-2016 17:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is Collin Kaepernick so angry? You would be too if God had put pubic hair on top of your head.
←Rate | 09-14-2016 18:33 Comments (0)  

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