Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How many selfies does it take to fill the emotional blackhole in a person's life?

   The difference between bison and buffalo is simple... The ones that have useless little wings are buffalo.

   To drink or not to drink!? What a stupid question!

   When I hear the phrase 'going viral' I automatically assume herpes is involved at some point.

   I ran to the liquor store minutes before it closed!! **crosses "Run Marathon" off of my bucket list**

   The worst part about watching The Food Network while my mother in law tries to follow their recipes during the Holidays is the sad fact that they don't deliver.

   Everyone criticizes the Salem Witch Trials, but we haven’t had a witch attack in over 200 years.

   Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they're not a door.

   No Romney, we haven't forgotten about what you did to all those businesses with Bain Capital or your "binders full of women."

   Somewhere between Jesus dying on the cross and a giant bunny hiding eggs there seems to be a huge gap of information.

   Demonstrators storm the US embassy in Yemen. Didn't Samuel L. Jackson already make a movie about this?

   I am woman. Hear me talk. And talk. And talk. And talk.

   Come to me dirty money, I will wash you clean.

   My ex-girlfriend walked past me today and didn't even notice I was there. I must be getting better at this stalking business.

   “Don't share your top secrets with anyone because if you yourself can't keep them, never expect that somebody else will.”

   Masturbation is like math. You can always count on your fingers.

   brought to you today...by the neighbor's router

   I never drink, I only disinfect internal injuries.

   I took Nyquil and Dayquil. I forgot how to tell time.

   Just got caught stealing a book, I explained that I'm dyslexic & thought it was the 'help self' section.