Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.

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   messageicon What do you call a vegetarian lesbian? A woman who REALLY hates meat!
←Rate | 05-27-2011 21:25 by Demonik Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I ever host an orgy, first rule: cel phones off - unless you're making a porno with it.
←Rate | 06-01-2011 15:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon take me drunk, I'm home!
←Rate | 02-08-2011 19:27 by @The69Sheriff Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you want to speak to the woman in charge or to the man who knows what's going on?
←Rate | 02-19-2011 16:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Parents say alcohol is your enemy, God says love your enemy.......
←Rate | 10-03-2010 21:58 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon was wondering why, after 68 days, none of those pulled from the mine in Chile had any facial hair. Then I remembered why....... they are only miners
←Rate | 10-13-2010 03:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon if you could have anything right now, what would you have? I want to have a healthy heart, to walk, to see, to hear, to have awesome friends and a wonderful family.....OH WAIT! I have that already so pretty much Nothing, man. I'm happy as is.
←Rate | 03-26-2010 00:24 by drew Comments (0)  

   messageicon Did you see the new scratch off Lotto tickets at the Quikee mart? The jackpot is a Nobel peace prize!
←Rate | 10-10-2009 01:10 by Tim Comments (0)  

   messageicon The worst part about makeup sex is trying to get the mascara off of my balls.
←Rate | 01-06-2012 08:28 by Sparticuss Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just held the door open for an old Asian man. He said “sank you!” He better not be referring to Pearl Harbor…!
←Rate | 12-20-2011 14:06 by ZZZ-FUXY Comments (0)  

   messageicon BREAKING NEWS!! Hillary will not be running for Prez in 2016 due to the brain tumor found during her recent colonoscopy!
←Rate | 06-22-2013 19:00 by equaloppjoker Comments (0)  

   messageicon just saw an indian asleep on the train and noticed his red dot on his forehead and just thought to myself 'is he on standby?'
←Rate | 05-09-2011 05:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, “I don't need a pardon. I need a job.
←Rate | 11-24-2011 15:52 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon blaming it on the rain.
←Rate | 03-02-2009 11:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
←Rate | 12-13-2009 01:21 by BONUS Comments (0)  

   messageicon Please Be Nice to smokers. They don't have much time left.
←Rate | 02-18-2010 00:34 by abhi Comments (0)  

   messageicon A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle!
←Rate | 03-25-2010 01:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon --- I hate farmers, the're always spreading sh*t
←Rate | 03-26-2010 15:22 by Y.P Comments (0)  

   messageicon okay here it goes.. like this status.. and I'll drop kick you down some steps then stab you with a fork
←Rate | 09-19-2010 20:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bet aliens would visit us more if will smith didn't punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
←Rate | 04-06-2014 12:50 Comments (0)  

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