Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon Im alittle experimental tonight and I tell ya, I tried on a Trojan Magnum...its really hard to breathe in those things.
←Rate | 12-28-2011 01:35 by Doc Noland Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can't wait till summer so I can enjoy long, romantic walks around tractor shows again....
←Rate | 12-28-2011 17:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Somepeople were born to be other people's cheerleaders and praise singers.
←Rate | 01-08-2012 14:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if Pitbull reallizes that he is the NEXT Li'L John ?
←Rate | 06-06-2012 12:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women do not understand men because they don't have to, Men don't understand women because they are crazy.
←Rate | 06-08-2012 20:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think all women can agree that bigger is better. Nobody wants a small bank account.
←Rate | 06-14-2012 17:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A cool way to second guess your entire life is to go online and read reviews of every movie you think is awesome.
←Rate | 06-18-2012 23:10 by gay jeffrey Comments (0)  

   messageicon Looks like ''Assdusky'' is going to be happy now! Lots of younger men, and for a long long time! Enjoy that Comfy bed!!!
←Rate | 06-23-2012 08:42 by Fast Eddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women want a man who can read them like a book, so long as he is proficient in braille.
←Rate | 07-01-2012 10:35 by Curmudgeon Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't use Siri because I have to deal with enough b*tches who have no personality and know everything.
←Rate | 07-01-2012 21:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon if family visits tonight dressed as zombies, I just might start palying "resident evil...the wii version"
←Rate | 10-31-2011 22:03 by Eddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon If this day gets any longer I'm gonna have to take a second lunch..
←Rate | 11-10-2011 14:52 by dd Comments (0)  

   messageicon Woman first tempted man to eat; he took to drinking of his own accord.
←Rate | 03-11-2012 12:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just saw an ad on my homepage that read, "Like Writing About Beards? Search For Careers Now!" - because if there's one thing we're really lacking right now, it's freelance beard writers.
←Rate | 03-15-2012 15:10 by Missy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Mecurochrome, the mercury our moms put on our cuts with a plastic stick..we had two choices, like it or lump it. We liked it
←Rate | 03-22-2012 05:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Winning money in front of somebody you owe WinFail
←Rate | 03-29-2012 19:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Life is nothing but anticipation followed by feelings of nostalgia for times that really weren't all that great.
←Rate | 04-16-2012 17:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon exterminaters are just serial killers with no balls
←Rate | 02-19-2012 07:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am the guy she asks to feel her legs after shaving.
←Rate | 02-19-2012 09:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The phone rang & I tried to answer the stapler..Yup its friday..chug chug
←Rate | 02-24-2012 15:35 Comments (0)  

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