Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I'm white, so my touchdown dance would just be filing my income taxes on time.
←Rate | 02-09-2013 10:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yes dear I can put your keys in my handbag. Yes and your wallet dear. Oh sure your phone too. You sure you don't want a handbag for yourself
←Rate | 09-08-2012 13:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The day Rick Ross jumps into the crowd will be the day we find out who his LOYAL fans are.
←Rate | 09-14-2012 09:16 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon You're closest to death when you speak to me after I just woke up from a nap.
←Rate | 09-29-2012 15:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There's a spider in my panic room. Ironic little thing.
←Rate | 10-10-2012 14:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive, to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to drink a cold Beer.....
←Rate | 04-13-2013 06:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon pfft....who needs state farm when Charles Ramsey is there~!!!
←Rate | 05-08-2013 08:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon People are what they do, not what they say.
←Rate | 05-15-2013 01:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
←Rate | 05-27-2013 12:59 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes all you need to brighten up your day is to sit down and read the thoughts of a couple thousand strangers.
←Rate | 06-05-2013 18:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There is no such thing as an automatic door. Just gentlemen Ninjas
←Rate | 06-14-2013 12:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon And if he winds up being a switch hitter..he'll be known as: North Bi North West....well sorta.
←Rate | 06-21-2013 09:43 by mc fazzerino Comments (0)  

   messageicon Adele sounds so different when you're not on your period.
←Rate | 07-26-2012 10:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish I got as excited to see other humans as my dog gets when he sees other dogs.
←Rate | 07-30-2012 16:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Those womens volleyball uniforms look like what my Uncle Ralph wore to our 4th of July picnic
←Rate | 07-31-2012 01:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Thank god that day is over"-- Chikens
←Rate | 08-02-2012 10:42 by Reznor Comments (0)  

   messageicon thanks to my typo I posted "Had a good first date last night. I licked her alot." I won't be getting a second date.
←Rate | 08-02-2012 12:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I spend 87% of my energy to appear normal.
←Rate | 08-03-2012 06:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The key to a relationship is both of you staring silently at your phones as the emotionless fog ushers you into the cold embrace of death.
←Rate | 08-04-2012 12:16 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've been desperate, but never "I'm all out of bullets so I'll throw the gun at you" desperate.
←Rate | 08-09-2012 08:55 Comments (0)  

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