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Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.
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   messageicon Most relationships fail not because the absence of love, but because girls love to much and guys love to many.
←Rate | 12-29-2011 18:58 by BEGO Comments (0)

   messageicon I missed my ex today so I reloaded & shot again
←Rate | 01-04-2012 22:58 by Eddy Comments (0)

   messageicon I bet all the other glues are really jealous of Super Glue.
←Rate | 03-09-2012 14:05 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)

   messageicon Im in the jehovah witness protection program
←Rate | 03-22-2012 07:27 Comments (0)

   messageicon Remember ... at 8:30 tonite .. it will be Earth Hour so please turn off all of your electrical devices at 8:30 pm... Heck . with all of that power being conserved at 8:30 ... It'll be the opportune time to power up my new 1.21 gigawatt Flux Capacitor!!!
←Rate | 03-31-2012 19:10 Comments (0)

   messageicon I told the monster in my closet that if he came out of the closet he would be gay. Problem solved! #Winning
←Rate | 04-27-2012 14:34 by Reznor Comments (0)

   messageicon i lifted this heavy object till I farted, I had to apologize to the guy in the other urinal
←Rate | 05-05-2012 07:48 Comments (0)

   messageicon I keep a baseball bat under my bed just incase someone breaks into my house while I'm sleeping and throws a baseball at me
←Rate | 05-13-2012 23:11 by HiYourJon Comments (0)

   messageicon Its not sexual harassment, I was just giving your butt a high five
←Rate | 06-01-2012 08:00 by gay jeffery Comments (0)

   messageicon Cats and dogs play with the same toy over and over as if it might do something new. And, after 20 years, I still play with my wife's hooters.
←Rate | 06-10-2012 21:49 Comments (0)

   messageicon Dear McDonalds, if you start serving breakfast all day you will get more of my money. Sincerely, Supply and Demand.
←Rate | 06-16-2012 11:32 by StonerDudee Comments (0)

   messageicon Yesterday was the second day, of the second week, of the second month, of the second year, of the second decade, of the second milliennium = Twoception
←Rate | 02-08-2012 01:57 by @HiYourJon Comments (0)

   messageicon Who says I can't cook? You've obviously never tasted my cereal!
←Rate | 02-19-2012 15:55 by @DonSicks Comments (0)

   messageicon I have a positive attitude. I'm positive that you're an asshole. I'm positive that you're a waste of oxygen. I'm also positive that I hate you. So... quit be so negative about me, Hater!!!
←Rate | 10-21-2011 15:42 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

   messageicon It's annoying when girls take pictures in glasses and they're like "I'm a nerd". Like shut up you're not a nerd you're just a slut with glasses on.
←Rate | 10-28-2011 15:56 by g0re Comments (0)

   messageicon I so hungary I could eat a horse...guess I'll get a McRib
←Rate | 10-29-2011 14:54 by shaunK Comments (0)

   messageicon noticed that countries that eat bacon have a lot less violence and war
←Rate | 11-03-2011 11:47 by Cole Patterson Comments (0)

   messageicon I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, The FedEx guy, and the Walmart greeter... C'MON MOM, KNOCK IT OFF! ツ
←Rate | 12-10-2012 10:16 by Goober Peas Comments (0)

   messageicon Scientists discovered a food that diminishes a womans sex drive by 95% . . . wedding cake-
←Rate | 09-12-2012 17:10 by SEAN Comments (0)

   messageicon there is no strong beer, only weak men
←Rate | 09-21-2012 09:17 Comments (0)

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