Funny Status Messages for Facebook
Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.Filter On | Filter Off
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X says
Thanks lady in line at the fast food counter ordering your sandwich with 10 special requests for reminding how awesome being a dude is…
X is
The best part about this status update is that by the time you've finished reading it you realize that there is absolutely no point to it
X says
No thanks bar hag. If I wanted a boozing, chain smoking, pot bellied skank, I'd stayed married…
X
Ugh. Do I really need to register to your website to leave a comment? I just need to disagree with this assh0le real quick.
X
Leaving a watermelon on someone's doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
X says
Thankfully restraining orders don't restrict freedom of thought!
X says
I like my women like I like my chemistry… hard to understand and capable of blowing up at any time.
X
Dude fell at Walgreen's & my CPR training instantly kicked in! Had to hit him with the AED (defibrillator) like three times though, because he kept resisting.........
X says
For a long term relationship to work the amount of times she's a pain in the ass has to equal the amount of times he causes pain in her ass.
X is
As I caress your firm roundness with my hands and press my face into your pink flesh your sweet juices run down my face. I love watermelon!!
X says
Everything has a purpose. The burnt fry is used to scrape off half the mayo on the burger…
X
I put my phone on "Airplane Mode" and threw it in the air! ...Worst transformer ever.
X says
If you're going to have sex with a stranger, make sure you are stranger than them.
X says
I bet cats are pissed they can't sit on televisions anymore.
X
Woke up this morning swearing I could smell pancakes, but it seems I was just smellucinating.
X says
My garter snake don't want none unless you got buns, hun.
X says
Lick me like a lollipop.....but don't mistaken me for a sucker.
X says
The people in my office believe less is more. The less the women wear, the more of their work the guys will do for them.
X is
Hey I just met you and You're kinda Crazy So lose my number Don't call me lady
X says
Okay guys thats enough. Let's all agree to stop drawing on Lil Wayne while he's passed out drunk.