Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon Fat chicks like hash tags cause they look like waffles #
←Rate | 03-11-2013 15:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This morning I woke up with a HUGE smile on my face....frickin’ neighbor kids and their Sharpies......
←Rate | 03-26-2013 14:55 by minnie haha Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you always generalize about women, you're ugly, poor, insecure, or you might have grown up in your mother's basement. At the worst-case scenario, you've got a crap partner.
←Rate | 04-03-2013 00:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake.
←Rate | 04-06-2013 18:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon with the upcoming end of the world quickly approaching, in lieu of Christmas cards this year, I have sent out checks out to all my friends in the amount of $1,000,000 post dated 12/22/2012. Good luck finding a bank that isn't under water everyone!
←Rate | 12-05-2012 09:57 by topherboy1981 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wait, wait. Hold up. It's not "one whore's soap and sleigh"?
←Rate | 12-18-2012 16:26 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was beamed up into the Alien craft, the Military and the Aliens warned me that if I had said anything about this, people would think I was crazy. Little do they know that I have earned that reputation all on my own...
←Rate | 01-04-2013 06:42 by JimmyC Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was a child I used to say, "When I grow up I want to be a millionaire" Well I grew up and the rest is history, now all I say is, "When I die, I want to go to heaven" Hope that actually happens.
←Rate | 01-10-2013 03:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ron Jeremy has got to be disappointed in the nurses he’s seeing.
←Rate | 01-31-2013 06:50 by Doc Noland Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am not an alcoholic... I have an alcohol fetish.
←Rate | 09-27-2012 11:28 by Doc Noland Comments (0)  

   messageicon Old girlfriend sent me a text saying "I miss you" so I replied "We're sorry, but the subscriber you are trying to reach does not care"
←Rate | 10-02-2012 02:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Believe in God, but never forget to lock your car !
←Rate | 10-13-2012 03:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ♫ I'm tasty and I know it! Sizzle sizzle sizzle sizzle!♫ - Bacon.
←Rate | 10-20-2012 11:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon True love is giving your significant other a sip from your beer glass... a real f*cking small sip though... !
←Rate | 07-18-2013 19:17 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Its so awkward meeting new people. Especially when they go in for a handshake and you go in for an open-mouth kiss. Anyway, his name was Jeff... and he's a Seahawks fan
←Rate | 08-04-2013 16:42 by equaloppjoker Comments (0)  

   messageicon Angie's List?? Yeah, like I'd trust the opinions of a bunch of random idiots...
←Rate | 04-23-2013 21:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
←Rate | 05-30-2013 10:04 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Gay firemen were the first pole dancers. And they were fabulous.
←Rate | 07-28-2012 12:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What idiot takes a cab from Philly all the way to Bel-Air? And then he has the nerve to complain about the smell afterward.
←Rate | 08-08-2012 11:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I ran 3 miles after work today and stopped by Arby's and got me LARGE chedder cheese and roast beef samich and some fries . Take that Michelle .
←Rate | 08-15-2012 19:12 by BigToe Comments (0)  

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