Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It turns out that using bowel grease is messier than using elbow grease ... damn dyslexia.

   Makeup sex is awkward because my boyfriends puts on too much eye liner and his lipstick makes him look like a hooker.

   Wait?? What's the new etiquette rule,,, Am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

   Today is the 2nd day of the rest of your life. Sorry yesterday was the 1st day. Didn't you get the memo?

   If you have a frownie eat a brownie -My Grandma

   I crammed 3 Christmas' s in 3 States within 2 days! I don't know how Santa does it!!!

   I have so many different drug habits, I had to write them all down in a book. I call it..,,........Addictionary.

   I would like to see a soccer player play real football and a real football player play soccer and see who cries first.

   FACT; Religion has caused more misery to all of mankind in every stage of human history than any other single idea.

   I'm voting for Donald Trump just for the SNL jokes

   Michelle Obama has been picked as the world's most powerful woman by Forbes. Coming in a close second place:............. Justin Bieber.

   I put a trojan magnum on once.....felt like a 6 year old in an adult sleeping bag!

   If men really wrote answered facebook question ; What's on your mind? Facebook would be like a pornsite

   just wanted to let everybody know that she is Okay! I know it scared me on the radio when I first heard the rumors, But I Called her and she is fine.. My Grandma did not get run over by a Reindeer!"

   Cats will be the hardest zombies to kill, with their -9 lives and all.

   has a request…if something should happen to me would someone change my status and harvest my farm town crops?

   Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

   Today I heard a guy on the street say, "It's chowder season, baby!" so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words

   *Puts condoms on store counter... Clerk: Do you want a bag?... No need, she's not that ugly.

   Turns out, I have a 4.6 billion year old sun... I am gonna see him tomorrow morning.. wow amazing