Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The closest I've come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.

   A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

   It's like these fools at the gym have never seen a girl with roller skates on the treadmill before.

   I knew the sex was over when she woke up.

   Today is one of those days, so unless you're bringing me a beer DO NOT come within slapping reach!

   I'm not one to judge Brotha, but that white tailgate on your black truck screams "salvage title".

   Someone just told me good morning and now I have to go to HR

   Someone in Walmart just bumped into me and my IQ dropped ten points.

   FYI: The average resident in Detroit has been murdered a minimum of 6 times

   Hey Kanye....you think you made Taylor Swift famous? That's so cute.

   Kiss me I'm Irish, put a little tongue in it, I'm French too

   Fuel savings tip: Drive downhill as much as possible. If you must drive uphill, take a different route that goes downhill instead.

   Splenda Daddy: A man who strives to be a Sugar Daddy but just doesn't have the funds to pull it off.

   How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

   Ted Cruz kept saying God wanted him to be President, and this is what happened. So either there is no God, or he reeeally doesn't like Ted.

   I would pick up a hitchhiker wearing an "I Heart Murder" t-shirt before I'd pick up a call from a blocked number.

   This has been the worst Monday since last Monday.

   the government can record anything anytime from your cell phone camera. They have a lot of footage of me pooping.

   My first attempt as body piercing was the time I tried to squat with spurs on.

   They say candles add a sensual ambiance, this my explain why I become aroused when I see a birthday cake