Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say "dress for the job you want", but no one seems to understand the only job I want is to be the new Hamburger Helper Helping Hand.

   There is no angry way to say 'bubbles.'

   I call my lovemaking technique the "Bond Martini" because it leaves women shaken, not stirred.

   I think the first time I realized I was dyslexic was when I went to a Toga party dressed as a goat

   Stuff happens.. but it is nothing that a bowl of Captain Crunch can't fix

   That moment of depression when you find out that you ran out of milk for your cereal.

   thinking why the hell are people confusing Green Hornet and Green Lantern... The only similarity is the word "Green"...No wonder movies like "Vampire Sucks" and "Disaster Movie", is able to achieve number 1 status. -_-

   george washington owned a dodge charger---wikipedia

   a coincidence is only a coincidence if you don't have an open mind

   When I am king, you will be first against the wall, With your opinion which is of no consequence at all.

   thinks Larry King has used up 8 of his 9 wives....

   If women did not exist, all of the money in the world would have no meaning.

   I'm pretty damn sure me wife is in the 33% of the married women who claim their pets are better listeners than their husbands - last night I saw the cat desparately going through my draw, may be trying to find my noise cancellation headphones !!!

   Richard Blumenthal clarifies - he served at 'Vie et Nam' a restaurant in Greenwich

   I wonder if cows refer to their sons as cowboys.

   I took my dog for a walk and played Frisbee with him, but he was useless. I really need to get a flatter dog.

   more people should be less like most people.

   I am not a control freak. I prefer the term "predictability enthusiast".

   Since Facebook came into my life I have completely neglected MySpace. This must be what parents feel like when they have a second child.

   Why is it one you always wish for is out there somewhere...just waiting for the right time for you both to meet..and it will happen when you least expect it... :)