Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Maybe we just need gun control for NFL players...

   Never trust a diet program where the inventor posts only head shots of themselves.

   Dear Coworkers, all I want for Christmas is you... to not talk to me before 9am.

   Love is free. Loyalty is going to cost you.

   I am a rare diamond, which you had previously mistaken for a very attractive piece of cut glass

   If you hold your shoe up to your ear in public, you can hear the sound of people laughing at you for looking like a dumb-a$$.

   Ever notice that those who have nothing on the inside, are the one's that are the most preoccupied with what is on the outside?

   I bet if you put bacon bits on a bacon strip, you could travel back in time

   If you insist on acting like an idiot then I must insist on treating you like one.

   you don't realize the importance of things until they are taken away from you

   The really great thing about working in the concert business is there is absolutely no way to prove that the weed smell is coming from me.

   Attitude like a underwear , don't show it , just wear it.

   It's so cold tonight I saw a Rabbi wearing a flannel Yarmulke!

   Don't you hate it when a spider bites you, and you get zero superpowers.

   People throw around the word "hero" too much. Use it for what it's for: a millionaire actor playing a disabled person.

   The best tasting thing at Whole Foods is not nearly as good as the worst tasting thing at Dunkin' Donuts.

   Hope the boss learns not to call people in on Saturday afternoon with no advance notice. Half the department is drunk! This should go well.

   A study found that trying on swimsuits made women feel objectified. Having a researcher in the changing room probably didn't help either.

   When I text you a massive paragraph and you reply 40 minutes later with 'K' Fu$k you

   Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A: Spot.