Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The really great thing about working in the concert business is there is absolutely no way to prove that the weed smell is coming from me.

   Attitude like a underwear , don't show it , just wear it.

   It's so cold tonight I saw a Rabbi wearing a flannel Yarmulke!

   Don't you hate it when a spider bites you, and you get zero superpowers.

   People throw around the word "hero" too much. Use it for what it's for: a millionaire actor playing a disabled person.

   The best tasting thing at Whole Foods is not nearly as good as the worst tasting thing at Dunkin' Donuts.

   Hope the boss learns not to call people in on Saturday afternoon with no advance notice. Half the department is drunk! This should go well.

   A study found that trying on swimsuits made women feel objectified. Having a researcher in the changing room probably didn't help either.

   When I text you a massive paragraph and you reply 40 minutes later with 'K' Fu$k you

   Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A: Spot.

   The conversation between your fingers and someone else's skin is the most magnificent discussion you can ever have.

   A camp fire is alot like masterbation. As long as you have wood you can keep yourself entertained. But when its gone the fun is over.

   R.I.P. To The B$tches Dying For Attention

   I think we can all learn something from Rodney Kings death.....Never ever ever under any circumstances have a pool party with Robert Wagner!

   Confused the Facebook status box with Google search, and I don't have to go to any more family functions.

   wondering why you never see, "My resolution is to eat more fried foods, drink every day, oh!!! And take up smoking too!!!

   Online jokes have really suffered in this ecomedy. (exhibit A)

   When my wife said she was leaving me yesterday because she insists I'm gay, I had to fight back tears. I'd only just applied my mascara.

   Muffins are just ugly cupcakes

   Lets get this right once and for all: There is NO such thing as a male purse.