Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Objects in butt hole feel bigger than they appear.

   My boyfriend came home from work upset and asked me to console him, I hit him over the head with his XBox

   I've been thinking... If poison goes out of date, does it become more or less deadly?

   quit critiquing dumb ass, it is a joke.

   I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it

   I Wish 2010 Brings You 12 Months of Happiness,52 Weeks of Fun,365 Days of Success,8760 Hours of Good Health, 52600 Minutes of Good Luck and 3153600 Seconds of Joy!

   Show me a man that doesn't cheat and I'll show you a woman who minds her own business

   "Women are made to be loved, not understood."

   Having your gf/bf break up with you and saying: We can still be friends. Is like your dog dying and you mom saying: You can still keep it

   to the two men who laughingly dismissed the cute blonde walking in front of us because "she's got muffin top": SO DO YOU, you just cleverly hide your early-30s pudge in those relaxed-fit Dockers you're wearing. P.S. You are balding.

   having a threesome with aunt jemima & mrs. butterworth

   Our FedEx guy keeps delivering diapers & formula but I didn't order any. And he cries when he holds the baby. Weird, huh?

   I'm allergic to tequila, I break out in handcuffs.

   here lies an athiest all dressed up and no where to go ....epitaph on tombstone....

   I'm so British that I stick my pinki out when I masturbate

   Man this is a tough supermarket. Sign above the register says "12 items or else".

   Does it make you wonder why the mooslims in congress are so upset we took out a killer

   I think maybe I'll move to Lexington, VA, buy the Red Hen restaurant, and convert it into a Chick-fil-A.

   Fact Checkers didn't exist until the truth started to get out.

   Just bought some of that new Pelosi Vodka at the Liquor Store. It has no proof, either.