Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I Wish 2010 Brings You 12 Months of Happiness,52 Weeks of Fun,365 Days of Success,8760 Hours of Good Health, 52600 Minutes of Good Luck and 3153600 Seconds of Joy!

   Show me a man that doesn't cheat and I'll show you a woman who minds her own business

   Our FedEx guy keeps delivering diapers & formula but I didn't order any. And he cries when he holds the baby. Weird, huh?

   I'm allergic to tequila, I break out in handcuffs.

   here lies an athiest all dressed up and no where to go ....epitaph on tombstone....

   I'm so British that I stick my pinki out when I masturbate

   Man this is a tough supermarket. Sign above the register says "12 items or else".

   Fact Checkers didn't exist until the truth started to get out.

   I think maybe I'll move to Lexington, VA, buy the Red Hen restaurant, and convert it into a Chick-fil-A.

   Hillary Clinton was caught telling the truth today.... April Fools!

   Does it make you wonder why the mooslims in congress are so upset we took out a killer

   Just bought some of that new Pelosi Vodka at the Liquor Store. It has no proof, either.

   Marijuana IS a gateway drug.. It leads to sweatpants and Cheetos.

   "H3y what r yhu dooinq?" ... About to throw a dictionary at your face.

   Call it whatever you want... I'm still calling the Hummer H2, "The Douche Bag Container."

   why is Betty White singing at halftime of the Super Bowl??

   Get your facts right you big dummy: John F Kennedy was born in May 1917 and passed away in 1963. Do the math correctlyly.

   anyone else confuse the time with the radio station? sometimes I think I'm running late cause its already 105.9

   Just called the police on my GF, not for a crime, I just want them to remind her she has the right to remain silent

   A guy who takes his wife swimming at a shark infested beach when it's that time of the month has a hidden agenda.