Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when I go to Starbucks and the cashier asks me my name so the barista can call out my order, I say "Latte."

   I found out one of the fundamental differences between my girl and I today. While at the state fair we were walking through the animal barns and while she began ranking animals in order of cuteness, I found myself ranking them in order of deliciousness.

   Ok ladies, a night with me will give you examples for your future daughters of what kind of guy to watch out for, but in the meantime, it will give you one hell of a story to tell your girlfriends!

   I'm not saying our schools suck, but after one day of sex ed, my kid thinks single parents are the result of masturbation.

   If anyone has trouble finding the key to my heart, I keep an extra set under the stones in my kidney.

   If it came down to it, I could probably survive on Skittles and beer.

   So they've sent George Michael to prison. Isn't that like sentencing Vanessa Feltz to eight weeks in a chocolate factory?

   Save water... shower with me!

   Gonna make a milkshake to see if it'll bring all the boys to my yard.....I need one to pull up the weeds.

   I throw my Spanish in the air sometimes, saying ayo no comprendo

   I had a life once. Now I have an internet connection and a Mac book.

   Non-Smoker - I hate cigarettes...!Smoker - Me too , thats why I am burning it. ! !

   Being that we can't see the Bin Ladin Video... can we reroll the Bill an Monica video.

   s funny how I'm good at giving advice to others, but when it comes to helping myself, I don't know what to do

   If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

   You know, if I had a girlfriend, I'd be a lot happier. Does anyone have an extra one they don't need?

   Don't wear skinny jeans unless you have skinny genes. And two X chromosomes, Thank You

   Don't worry, one day you and everyone you know will be dead. Have a nice day! :)

   the worst part about volunteering at a multiple personality disorder meeting is the time it takes filling out all the name tags

   When I don't need it, I find it. When I need it, I can't find it.