Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All voicemail systems tell you the date and time of the message, so can you please, please, please stop telling me what time it is.

   That speech made me do the Carlton Dance :)

   Day 10 - I am thankful for toilet paper... no explaination needed.

   My girlfriend just cleaned out her purse. So, she'll be having a garage sale later this week.

   you should be less concerned with my spelling & grammar & more concerned with the fact that i'm sleeping with your sister/mum/wife/pet/sock.

   You know a girl is serious when they say your name in a text.

   Heard Chris Brown was dating twins, I guess that is what he meant when he said he had some fresh new beats....

   Sign of the time's! Honey come quick, my kids and your kids are beating-up our kids.

   If you teach sex ed, it's good to tell kids the feelings they're having are normal, but funnier to single one out and mouth "Except yours."

   The first rule of Mime Club is pretty obvious.

   Some relationships are like farts, sooner or latter you gonna have to let it go!

   Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

   What's the worlds longest sentence? .... I do.

   If I haven't insulted you, pissed you off, or raised feelings of irritation yet... just give me a bit more time.

   A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says "You have a drink named Steve?"

   My empty fridge just whispered, "When's Payday?"

   Pretty sure the pope secretly has Marge Simpson hair

   I will address an obviously elderly woman as "young lady" because I'm a charming m0therfucker.

   Marriage in America is just an attempt to make the other person feel like they can't cheat.

   *christopher walken giving tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unnecessary pause* for walken