Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The first rule of Mime Club is pretty obvious.

   Some relationships are like farts, sooner or latter you gonna have to let it go!

   Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

   What's the worlds longest sentence? .... I do.

   If I haven't insulted you, pissed you off, or raised feelings of irritation yet... just give me a bit more time.

   A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says "You have a drink named Steve?"

   My empty fridge just whispered, "When's Payday?"

   Pretty sure the pope secretly has Marge Simpson hair

   I will address an obviously elderly woman as "young lady" because I'm a charming m0therfucker.

   Marriage in America is just an attempt to make the other person feel like they can't cheat.

   *christopher walken giving tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unnecessary pause* for walken

   " Aaron Hernandez killed my girlfriend too." Manti Te'o

   I'm only stalking you cause I know you have an extra burger in that Mcdonalds bag.

   Ya know, in France they would have called it the "Royale Baby with Cheese".

   This girl once told me she wanted me to do it doggy style, so I licked her face, crapped on the carpet, and bit her mailman in the ankle.

   I have been calling my girlfriend "honey" for 6 years now, because I'm too embarrassed to tell her that I forgot her name.

   It's really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...

   Pretty cool how I lock my phone like I won't check it in a minute.

   Things I wish I could unsee: 1. Miley Cyrus twerking 2. Miley Cyrus riding that foam finger 3. Miley Cyrus

   Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.