Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   B*tch you're a booty call!! Stop putting your relationship status as "it's complicated"

   I had a very akwrd moment in the checkout line today. I grazed a lady's boob... It was embarrassing for both of us and the two people between us too.

   Just seen two hobos hitting each other with cardboard, pillow fight!

   We live in a time period of smart phones and stupid people.

   A rejected highfive is one of the biggest insults there is.

   OK........this is like the third Harold Camping rapture that I've been left behind and frankly it's starting to hurt my feelings : (

   I'm sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.

   I've started attending a self-help group for sex addicts. I don't have an addiction. It's just an awesome way of meeting DTF girls!

   Fact: All guys have at least one friend that they address only by their last name.

   following his rehab, Jerry Sandusky will sign on to host the new game show 'Are You Hotter Than A 5th Grader'

   You're not in the club(-.(-.(-_-).-).-) well f**k you guys t(-_-t)

   Just heard there is an Occupy North Pole protest going on. Apparently Santa did not share his wealth with the naughty group.

   I googled "what women want" and my screen froze, then my computer started to smoke and caught on fire then exploded.

   I'd appreciate it if the city just delivered the phone books straight to my recycle bin.

   Me: I wasn't that drunk.. Myself: Dude, you were talking to yourself! Me: ...and... Myself: ...and you still are.

   Doggystyle makes every chick pretty.

   I heard that people who talk to themselves tend to be extremely smart.. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.

   A team of researchers has concluded that the "G-spot" doesn't exist. Thank God. Now I can just focus on finding my remote.

   A fun thing to do in the checkout line is to take one thing from the cart in front of you and see if they notice. Last week I took a baby.

   If Pluto isn't a planet because it's too small, then are midgets really people?