Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've started attending a self-help group for sex addicts. I don't have an addiction. It's just an awesome way of meeting DTF girls!

   Fact: All guys have at least one friend that they address only by their last name.

   following his rehab, Jerry Sandusky will sign on to host the new game show 'Are You Hotter Than A 5th Grader'

   You're not in the club(-.(-.(-_-).-).-) well f**k you guys t(-_-t)

   Just heard there is an Occupy North Pole protest going on. Apparently Santa did not share his wealth with the naughty group.

   I googled "what women want" and my screen froze, then my computer started to smoke and caught on fire then exploded.

   I'd appreciate it if the city just delivered the phone books straight to my recycle bin.

   Me: I wasn't that drunk.. Myself: Dude, you were talking to yourself! Me: ...and... Myself: ...and you still are.

   Doggystyle makes every chick pretty.

   I heard that people who talk to themselves tend to be extremely smart.. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.

   A team of researchers has concluded that the "G-spot" doesn't exist. Thank God. Now I can just focus on finding my remote.

   A fun thing to do in the checkout line is to take one thing from the cart in front of you and see if they notice. Last week I took a baby.

   If Pluto isn't a planet because it's too small, then are midgets really people?

   A fun way to freak out new parents on Facebook is to change your name to their baby's name & tag yourself in all of their baby's pictures.

   dude, she just called you gay. oh hell no!!! hold my purse!!!

   Disappointed the ATM didn't shoot out a burst of confetti to congratulate me for having enough to pull out twenty bucks.

   If people came with warning labels they wouldn't be too much different than drug labels: May cause drowsiness, persistent headaches, may reduce the urge to live..... If symptoms persist apply the nearest foot to their ass.

   A friend sticks with you through thick and thin. A best friend tells you if your butt's getting thick.

   I wish I had a dollar, for every dollar I don't have.

   You know....spring must be just around the corner....I just saw 2 crackheads pawning a space heater....who needs a dumbass groundhog?