Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A well timed "Have a good day!" can be a great substitute for "F**k you!" in almost every situation

   This world is not going to make any progress until we stop perpetuating the belief that "paper" beats "rock."

   Teach me and I'll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I'll understand.

   I went for a self-defence class last night. The instructor said, "I want you to take me by surprise and attack me" So when I saw him in Sainsburys the next day I threw a tin of beans at his head.

   Anthony Weiner: I shouldn't tweet this pic. I'm married. Anthony's weiner: C'mon, do it. Who's gonna know.....

   FYI - I keep my phone on vibrate & carry it around in my underwear... so an especially big thanks to all who have liked or commented. :)

   A man's life is spent between episodes of women being mad at him.

   taking applications and will soon be conducting interviews for anyone that is interested on giving my euology

   wonders - on a scale from 1 to Osama Bin Lanin, how good was my hiding spot?

   You know you're in South Africa when people talk about robots when they really mean traffic lights.

   Screw Earth Day!! I used to be a planet too.... - Pluto

   My doctor has diagnosed me with mild tourettes. Blast.

   You know something is seriously wrong, when you double the value of your car every time you fill up the tank.

   B*tch you're a booty call!! Stop putting your relationship status as "it's complicated"

   I had a very akwrd moment in the checkout line today. I grazed a lady's boob... It was embarrassing for both of us and the two people between us too.

   Just seen two hobos hitting each other with cardboard, pillow fight!

   We live in a time period of smart phones and stupid people.

   A rejected highfive is one of the biggest insults there is.

   OK........this is like the third Harold Camping rapture that I've been left behind and frankly it's starting to hurt my feelings : (

   I'm sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.