Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.

   People must do well to remember that a nose belongs on the face and not stuck in SOME OTHER PLACE.

   You know how when you're kissing someone and you want to take them into the bedroom to have sex with them? Yea, well I don't want to do that with you.

   A well timed "Have a good day!" can be a great substitute for "F**k you!" in almost every situation

   This world is not going to make any progress until we stop perpetuating the belief that "paper" beats "rock."

   Teach me and I'll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I'll understand.

   I went for a self-defence class last night. The instructor said, "I want you to take me by surprise and attack me" So when I saw him in Sainsburys the next day I threw a tin of beans at his head.

   Anthony Weiner: I shouldn't tweet this pic. I'm married. Anthony's weiner: C'mon, do it. Who's gonna know.....

   FYI - I keep my phone on vibrate & carry it around in my underwear... so an especially big thanks to all who have liked or commented. :)

   A man's life is spent between episodes of women being mad at him.

   taking applications and will soon be conducting interviews for anyone that is interested on giving my euology

   wonders - on a scale from 1 to Osama Bin Lanin, how good was my hiding spot?

   You know you're in South Africa when people talk about robots when they really mean traffic lights.

   Screw Earth Day!! I used to be a planet too.... - Pluto

   My doctor has diagnosed me with mild tourettes. Blast.

   You know something is seriously wrong, when you double the value of your car every time you fill up the tank.

   B*tch you're a booty call!! Stop putting your relationship status as "it's complicated"

   I had a very akwrd moment in the checkout line today. I grazed a lady's boob... It was embarrassing for both of us and the two people between us too.

   Just seen two hobos hitting each other with cardboard, pillow fight!

   We live in a time period of smart phones and stupid people.