Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's the difference between your wife and your job? After 5 years your job still sucks.

   I have to stop eating rotisserie chicken. It is making me feel dizzy!

   I can remember Oct 8 as if it was yesterday

   I'm so exhausted from work that I actually tried to use "The Force" to get the remote to come to me. When it didn't work I used the old Jedi Mind Trick sayin "These arent the droids your looking for give me the remote". My son did while rollin his eyes.

   The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.

   People must do well to remember that a nose belongs on the face and not stuck in SOME OTHER PLACE.

   You know how when you're kissing someone and you want to take them into the bedroom to have sex with them? Yea, well I don't want to do that with you.

   A well timed "Have a good day!" can be a great substitute for "F**k you!" in almost every situation

   This world is not going to make any progress until we stop perpetuating the belief that "paper" beats "rock."

   Teach me and I'll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I'll understand.

   I went for a self-defence class last night. The instructor said, "I want you to take me by surprise and attack me" So when I saw him in Sainsburys the next day I threw a tin of beans at his head.

   Anthony Weiner: I shouldn't tweet this pic. I'm married. Anthony's weiner: C'mon, do it. Who's gonna know.....

   FYI - I keep my phone on vibrate & carry it around in my underwear... so an especially big thanks to all who have liked or commented. :)

   A man's life is spent between episodes of women being mad at him.

   taking applications and will soon be conducting interviews for anyone that is interested on giving my euology

   wonders - on a scale from 1 to Osama Bin Lanin, how good was my hiding spot?

   You know you're in South Africa when people talk about robots when they really mean traffic lights.

   Screw Earth Day!! I used to be a planet too.... - Pluto

   My doctor has diagnosed me with mild tourettes. Blast.

   You know something is seriously wrong, when you double the value of your car every time you fill up the tank.