Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think Donald Trump is Sacha Baron Cohen's best character so far.

   6 yr old: Dad, why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check?...Me:Umm, I don't know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 15th.

   on a spinny chair... now you see me... now you don't... now you see me... now you don't...and I get a paycheck for doing this lol

   Apparently each year, more people get killed by donkeys than in aeroplane crashes.So to summarize, if you ever see a donkey on an aeroplane, you're in f*cking trouble.

   ..can't wait for a nice English summer. The warmth,the sun,the clear blue skies..it will be a nice couple of days...

   What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

   she's got an A$$ that will make a grown man do the dishes!

   loves to give false and misleading information to gossipers... it messes them up and makes them look ridiculously stupid! hahaha

   It tastes like I coughed up blood...hello liver damage, I've been expecting you

   Behind every successful man is a woman who didn't marry me.

   Copywight 2010 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

   the most confident when naked, too bad I can't be naked in front of my interviewers.

   The Name is Bond, Uni-Bond. I'm here to fill your crack!

   Guess what? I've got a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell.

   It's illegal to text and drive, but it's not against the law to work on ur laptop whilest driving. Thanks policeman for making that clear.

   I feel sorry for people who don't drink; when they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

   next time I get in a relationship I'm gonna ask better questions like "Do you have cacaroaches in your house? Do you have a job? Do you like to milk men for all they got? And do you know how to cook anything other than Hot Pockets? Did you graduate?"

   If New things are supposed to be an improvement over their previous version, I would really hate to visit the original Jersey.

   OK Santa I followed your stupid rules all year...it was hard not killing anyone or punching anyone in the face but I did it.....so If Milla Jovovich isn't under my tree this year you'll be first on the hit list Fat Man!

   Your boss is coming! Log off now!!