Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fact: The 2013 Boston Red Sox have more beard weight than any team in Major League Baseball history.

   I finally figured out the answer to that old chicken and the egg question...the rooster.

   Marriage is hard. Marriage is so hard Nelson Mandela got divorce. He spend 27 years in prison getting tortured and beaten everyday of his life for 27 years. He got out of jail, spent 6 months with his wife, and said. I CANT TAKE THIS SHI%

   I'm on a tequila diet. So far I've lost 2 days, my keys, and my favorite heels.

   Umm. . . Unless your muzlim, women in the USA had the right to vote in the 1920's

   I hate when people don't know where "to" put quotation marks.

   Progressives are so used to f---ing everything up they need their own insurance company......

   I think Donald Trump is Sacha Baron Cohen's best character so far.

   6 yr old: Dad, why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check?...Me:Umm, I don't know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 15th.

   I love the Macys Thanksgiving day parade. Where you can watch your favorite stars lipsync to their hit songs!

   on a spinny chair... now you see me... now you don't... now you see me... now you don't...and I get a paycheck for doing this lol

   Apparently each year, more people get killed by donkeys than in aeroplane crashes.So to summarize, if you ever see a donkey on an aeroplane, you're in f*cking trouble.

   The Name is Bond, Uni-Bond. I'm here to fill your crack!

   Guess what? I've got a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell.

   It's illegal to text and drive, but it's not against the law to work on ur laptop whilest driving. Thanks policeman for making that clear.

   I feel sorry for people who don't drink; when they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

   next time I get in a relationship I'm gonna ask better questions like "Do you have cacaroaches in your house? Do you have a job? Do you like to milk men for all they got? And do you know how to cook anything other than Hot Pockets? Did you graduate?"

   ..can't wait for a nice English summer. The warmth,the sun,the clear blue skies..it will be a nice couple of days...

   What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

   she's got an A$$ that will make a grown man do the dishes!