Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Step one: Cut a hole in the box!"

   :There's nothing more romantic than seeing young lovers dry hump their way through Wal-Mart...

   Head banging to rock music doesn't have the same effect when your bald. Ask me how I know this.

   Try and find me now Sucka!- bread tie

   My psychic told me I will soon be ripped off by someone I trust. Knowing that was well worth the $500 she charges me.

   Not sure why libs are whining. They've been given a gift in Hillary's loss. The gift of 4 years of complaining which is what they do best. Make that 2nd best. Doing nothing is what they do best.

   Looks like the witch hunt is catching a lot of witches.

   To anyone moving to Canada when Trump is elected President. Can I have first dibs on what you're not taking with you, thanks. . .

   Coworker: I don't appreciate how you... Me: Let me stop you right there, I don't give a sh*t what you appreciate.

   The Germans ate Brazil for dinner. They were the wurst!

   Million $ idea: Website called "dodgedabullet.com" with pics of former hot girls that blew up when you saw them at a reunion.

   "They're like a sponge at this age" I say to the parents of the baby I'm using to scrub dishes with.

   I hate it when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick someone in the face to wake it up.

   You laugh at me because I'm different but I laugh at you because you're all the same.

   If you're married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.

   ESPN reports that Manny Pacquiao has filed sexual harassment and inappropriate touching charges against Floyd Mayweather for all the hugging and grabbing from Saturday night's fight.

   Fact: The 2013 Boston Red Sox have more beard weight than any team in Major League Baseball history.

   I finally figured out the answer to that old chicken and the egg question...the rooster.

   Marriage is hard. Marriage is so hard Nelson Mandela got divorce. He spend 27 years in prison getting tortured and beaten everyday of his life for 27 years. He got out of jail, spent 6 months with his wife, and said. I CANT TAKE THIS SHI%

   I'm on a tequila diet. So far I've lost 2 days, my keys, and my favorite heels.