Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating


Search Messages:
Page: 2940 of 6446

   messageicon My Wife:"Honey the sales add says the dealership will make it easy for husbands to get a new car for their spouse this weekend!" Me: "Actually that sounds like a pretty good trade."
←Rate | 08-19-2011 20:13 by JBabcock Comments (0)  


   messageicon Women use their purses as a way to "mark" their territory while shoppin. They make us men hold their purses . I don't care if your Arnold Schwarzenegger, you look like a doofus holding your wifes purse outside a Fashion Barn dressing room.
←Rate | 08-20-2011 15:45 by JBabcock Comments (0)  


   messageicon Baboons: They are the loudest, most obnoxious, most vicious and least intelligent of all the primates. What is a group of baboons called? A CONGRESS.
←Rate | 09-03-2011 16:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If drinking destroys your memory…what does drinking do?
←Rate | 08-04-2011 03:35 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon About 50% of the time “good luck” really means “efff you.”
←Rate | 04-26-2011 10:48 by BEGO Comments (0)  


   messageicon The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
←Rate | 05-13-2011 18:18 by maria Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just winked at myself in my side view mirror...I must have my game on!?
←Rate | 05-17-2011 23:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I had a life once . . . now I have a computer and a modem
←Rate | 03-07-2011 02:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Anybody else go around clicking LIKE on all the hot chicks posts, no matter what stupid sh*t it is?
←Rate | 11-29-2011 10:49 by Mick F Comments (0)  


   messageicon We all have a "friend" we don't even like..
←Rate | 12-01-2011 01:39 by @RonnieChapman Comments (0)  


   messageicon The best way to "baby proof" your house is to wear a condom.
←Rate | 12-21-2011 04:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just took some vitamins *while* drinking Vitamin Water then ripped the roof off a Buick and ate a building.
←Rate | 01-08-2012 10:28 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I ever get as excited about the McRib as the people in the commercials do....SLAP ME!
←Rate | 10-28-2011 17:22 by K-Mac Comments (0)  


   messageicon Last women I hooked up with at the retirement home told me, "If you break it you buy it"! You know what that hip replacement cost me
←Rate | 10-31-2011 01:24 by eaglet1122 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I want to make a font joke, but I'm just not bold enough.
←Rate | 11-01-2011 19:21 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wouldn't say that I'm really a bad dancer more like....overly Caucasian.
←Rate | 11-13-2011 09:07 by Nunthewizr Comments (0)  


   messageicon The dilemma with resisting temptation is that it may never be offered again.
←Rate | 02-05-2012 01:41 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Step one: Cut a hole in the box!"
←Rate | 06-15-2012 00:53 by eaglet1122 Comments (0)  


   messageicon :There's nothing more romantic than seeing young lovers dry hump their way through Wal-Mart...
←Rate | 06-29-2012 05:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Head banging to rock music doesn't have the same effect when your bald. Ask me how I know this.
←Rate | 04-21-2012 20:10 by ff1241 Comments (0)  




Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Name:
Status Message:

... characters left