Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The worst part about the Hank Williams Jr remarks and backlash is that Toby Keith will most likely write a song about it now....

   BBC News: high brow. Fox News: low brow. Al Jazeera: unibrow.

   Today's inspirational post: You can do it!

   My Wife:"Honey the sales add says the dealership will make it easy for husbands to get a new car for their spouse this weekend!" Me: "Actually that sounds like a pretty good trade."

   Women use their purses as a way to "mark" their territory while shoppin. They make us men hold their purses . I don't care if your Arnold Schwarzenegger, you look like a doofus holding your wifes purse outside a Fashion Barn dressing room.

   Baboons: They are the loudest, most obnoxious, most vicious and least intelligent of all the primates. What is a group of baboons called? A CONGRESS.

   If drinking destroys your memory…what does drinking do?

   About 50% of the time “good luck” really means “efff you.”

   The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

   I just winked at myself in my side view mirror...I must have my game on!?

   I had a life once . . . now I have a computer and a modem

   Anybody else go around clicking LIKE on all the hot chicks posts, no matter what stupid sh*t it is?

   We all have a "friend" we don't even like..

   The best way to "baby proof" your house is to wear a condom.

   Just took some vitamins *while* drinking Vitamin Water then ripped the roof off a Buick and ate a building.

   If I ever get as excited about the McRib as the people in the commercials do....SLAP ME!

   Last women I hooked up with at the retirement home told me, "If you break it you buy it"! You know what that hip replacement cost me

   I want to make a font joke, but I'm just not bold enough.

   I wouldn't say that I'm really a bad dancer more like....overly Caucasian.

   The dilemma with resisting temptation is that it may never be offered again.