Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons, but I think they forgot to mention Morons.

   I wrote a country song for my ex; its called: "I'm Missin' You, but my aim's gettin' better".

   I want a car that runs on the tears I shed at the gas pump.

   "I" before "e" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm

   0 mutual friends, you're not even from my country, how the f*ck did you find me!?

   I saw a sign that said 'NO PARKING' so I took out a sharpie & now it says 'NO PARKING UNLESS YOU ARE AWESOME' & now I found a parking spot.

   I just learned today that bacteria is not the back door of a cafeteria.

   Avoid arguments on facebook with someone who types faster than you...

   People will always throw stones in your path ! It dpends on You ! what do You make from it: A “Wall” of difficulties. OR, A “Bridge of success.

   America has just created a new missle called the "Civil Servant." It can't be fired and doesnt work.

   My sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others. Your welcome!

   Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?

   Today we celebrate Martin Luther King by schools and offices closing, no mail or banking. Tomorrow is Ben Franklin's birthday. Will we celebrate by not having electricity? Just wondering.

   Some of you women need to stop using shovels to apply makeup.

   I’ve been chatting online with a 14-year-old girl. Really flirty and sexy. Then she tells me she is an undercover cop. How cool is that for someone her age?

   You know your girlfriend is horny when you put your hand up her skirt and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

   This government shutdown is not as complete or thorough as some might expect. NPR, C-Span, PBS, CNN and MSNBC are still on...

   My wife likes to talk during sex. Stuff like: "Why is the bathroom door locked?!?" and "What are you doing in there?"

   If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they'd have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.

   If you just came out of a one year coma, and everyone was telling you that Trump was the GOP nominee for President, you would be convinced you were on some kind of hidden camera prank show.