Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't call it "Drinking Coffee" I prefer "Installing Java."

   People, sharing some company's photo to "win" something is a scam. Just like nigerian lotteries, social security and obamacare...

   Dear NASA, thank you for wasting 75 million government dollars to bomb the moon because you THOUGHT you saw "ice"..... I mean really? I think I see ice in a pothole on my block, can I have 200 mortar rounds and a launch tube so I can make sure I'm right?

   PLEASE put this on your status if you know someone who has been eaten by a dragon. Dragons are nearly unstoppable and, in case you didn't know, they can breathe fire. 93% of people won't copy & paste this because they have already been eaten by a dragon..

   Whose going to the republican victory party at midnight?

   On January 25th 2006, Al Gore proclaimed we only had 10 years left to save the planet. Get ready for the end of the world in 23 days. Al Gore said it. It must be true.

   Can we stop with all the stupid religion posts?! So you guys have differing opinions.. GREAT! Take it somewhere else-

   When will Britain learn? They have a wedding, we kill Bin Laden...they have the Olympics, we land on Mars.

   whats the difference between MLK day and ST Patty's day?? --Everyone wants to be Irish on St Pattys day!!

   How does Justin bieber remove a condom after sex??? ... He farts!!!

   So, I'm single again, this time with no intentions of looking for another girl, this time I'm letting her find me.

   Soon it'll be illegal for Americans to have a Confederate flag on the back of their pick-ups. Which will make it harder for aliens to know who to abduct.

   Log off facebook and go to church if you want to pray. Facebook was exclusively invented for spying and stalking purposes.

   Some day I will climb into the back of a taxi in the pouring rain and the driver will say "Where to buddy?" and I will say "Just drive."

   I really dont understand interventions. What's the point of being told I have a drinking problem by a room full of reasons why I drink too much in the first place.

   If they can't elect a Pope in a week they should declare Overtime...and just play ROCK BIBLE SCISSORS

   I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.

   It's called dignity, sweetie.. and you're not gonna find it on your knees in the men's room.

   Had a man with a Prius ask me for a jump start in the grocery store parking lot today. I threw a triple a battery at him. Good luck douche bag.

   I can't sleep knowing that a sexy girl is horny somewhere.