Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not feeling myself today... anyone else wanna try?

   LOL = laugh out loud ... or . . . I don't want to talk anymore

   thankful that women are always checking him out, but still thinks there should be more male cashiers.

   Don't be upset if people preferred another one to you..... its hard to convince monkey that strawberries are sweeter than bananas..

   Wanted: 1985 delorean with flux capasitor time travil package with 1 shot of plutonium. serious sellers only price not a issue!!

   i check every shaving cream can for dinosaur embryos.

   “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” is an awesome phrase. But it’s a horrible way to tell your kid they’re adopted.

   A Tiger doesn't lose sleep over the opinion of the sheep!

   Do you ever get the feeling your being watched? Because if its bothering you, I'll stop...

   TMZ just reported that Stephen Hawking and Siri are now officially dating.

   I forgot Rhianna's ex-boyfriend's name...then it hit me.

   Joe Paterno has died....Now Penn State students can riot again and break more $hit.

   .... To show how generous Hillary and Bill re ..... Even though they only made $139 Million in income .... They generously donated $1,042,000 to charities! ...... $1,000,000 of which was donated to .... "The Clinton Foundation." Yup ... Very generous!

   A woman knocked on my door collecting for a feminist organization. So I gave her some Razors.

   Miss Brazil was robbed at gunpoint. According to Witnesses It was a clean snatch

   Just passed some guy flying a confederate flag on the back of his ragged out Honda Goldwing wearing a Jolly Rodger Helmet, with a Connecticut license plate. I laughed so hard I almost missed my turn!

   When I go to Popeye's I always order "the Kardashian"....a box full of dark meat.

   found out this morning that frying bacon while naked may not be as good of an idea as it sounds!

   I need a damn girlfriend...well not a "damn" girlfriend, just a girlfriend...well not just a girl that's a friend but...a girl...well, not a girl, but a woman...OMG I am turning into Mr. Kimball! Damn you, Green Acres!

   "Relationships - are for ugly people!" - Charlie Sheen