Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i check every shaving cream can for dinosaur embryos.

   “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” is an awesome phrase. But it’s a horrible way to tell your kid they’re adopted.

   A Tiger doesn't lose sleep over the opinion of the sheep!

   Do you ever get the feeling your being watched? Because if its bothering you, I'll stop...

   TMZ just reported that Stephen Hawking and Siri are now officially dating.

   I forgot Rhianna's ex-boyfriend's name...then it hit me.

   Joe Paterno has died....Now Penn State students can riot again and break more $hit.

   .... To show how generous Hillary and Bill re ..... Even though they only made $139 Million in income .... They generously donated $1,042,000 to charities! ...... $1,000,000 of which was donated to .... "The Clinton Foundation." Yup ... Very generous!

   A woman knocked on my door collecting for a feminist organization. So I gave her some Razors.

   Miss Brazil was robbed at gunpoint. According to Witnesses It was a clean snatch

   Just passed some guy flying a confederate flag on the back of his ragged out Honda Goldwing wearing a Jolly Rodger Helmet, with a Connecticut license plate. I laughed so hard I almost missed my turn!

   When I go to Popeye's I always order "the Kardashian"....a box full of dark meat.

   found out this morning that frying bacon while naked may not be as good of an idea as it sounds!

   I need a damn girlfriend...well not a "damn" girlfriend, just a girlfriend...well not just a girl that's a friend but...a girl...well, not a girl, but a woman...OMG I am turning into Mr. Kimball! Damn you, Green Acres!

   "Relationships - are for ugly people!" - Charlie Sheen

   Happy Government Shutdown Day everyone!!

   I just filled my bird-feeder with Mentos and my birdbath with Pepsi..........

   I hate that feeling when you feel you wrote something good on facebook and then nobody likes your status. Depressing....

   Look... if you have both toilet paper and bath towels in your bathroom... I am going to assume you are giving me a choice.

   This copy of Windows is not genuine... Dang, I'll never find that guy that sold me Windows from the trunk of his car... He seemed legit. Lesson learned.