Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In honor of new Pope, boys underwear half off at Walmart....

   Was on the bus today and a group of black youths were saying F in' this, F in' dat, F in the other. Not exactly swearing, they were just talking about their exam results.

   Like for impeachment

   Mitt Romney's campaign slogan, 'Keep America American,' the same as a phrase used by the KKK? Interesting...

   Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.

   My wife's filthy habbits disgust me, just yesterday I went to piss in the sink and it was still full of dirty dishes.

   I now know why women close their eyes during sex. They cant stand to see a man enjoy himself.

   was so depressed last night I called a lifeline...call center was in afghanistan, I told them I was suicidal and they got all excited and ask if I could drive a truck...

   Minute of silence for the girls who lost their boyfriends/husbands to BLACK OPS.

   If I ever were to become a scientist, I think my first area of research would be to try to prove my theory that there is a direct correlation between stuttering and 3rd trimester vibrator use.

   I'm not feeling myself today... anyone else wanna try?

   LOL = laugh out loud ... or . . . I don't want to talk anymore

   thankful that women are always checking him out, but still thinks there should be more male cashiers.

   Don't be upset if people preferred another one to you..... its hard to convince monkey that strawberries are sweeter than bananas..

   Wanted: 1985 delorean with flux capasitor time travil package with 1 shot of plutonium. serious sellers only price not a issue!!

   A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing, but do a mother.

   You're always told to “Wear something bright at night” on the TV and in magazines. Last night when I went to the shop, I wore a white hat, white coat and white trousers – I got hit by a f-kin snow plough!

   i check every shaving cream can for dinosaur embryos.

   “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” is an awesome phrase. But it’s a horrible way to tell your kid they’re adopted.

   A Tiger doesn't lose sleep over the opinion of the sheep!