Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Why is everyone making a big deal out of the lance armstrong thing. It's not like he cheated at a sport or something jeez... 
Does P.Diddy get upset every time he goes to Wendy's and orders the Biggie fries?
I have a button on my microwave that says stop time. I assume its for the timer but I don't touch it just in case.
If you invite me for dinner and serve ground turkey tacos,, you may as well turn on some Nickleback and wizz in my Fresca too........
gonna change my facebook status, but I got high...
drinking tequila in the shower....09:07 AM
doesn't believe in superstition. It brings bad luck.
celebrating black history month by wearing a white cotton t-shirt
In honor of new Pope, boys underwear half off at Walmart....
Was on the bus today and a group of black youths were saying F in' this, F in' dat, F in the other. Not exactly swearing, they were just talking about their exam results.
Like for impeachment
Mitt Romney's campaign slogan, 'Keep America American,' the same as a phrase used by the KKK? Interesting...
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
My wife's filthy habbits disgust me, just yesterday I went to piss in the sink and it was still full of dirty dishes.
I now know why women close their eyes during sex. They cant stand to see a man enjoy himself.
was so depressed last night I called a lifeline...call center was in afghanistan, I told them I was suicidal and they got all excited and ask if I could drive a truck...
Minute of silence for the girls who lost their boyfriends/husbands to BLACK OPS.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing, but do a mother.
You're always told to “Wear something bright at night” on the TV and in magazines. Last night when I went to the shop, I wore a white hat, white coat and white trousers – I got hit by a f-kin snow plough!
If I ever were to become a scientist, I think my first area of research would be to try to prove my theory that there is a direct correlation between stuttering and 3rd trimester vibrator use. 