Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife told me that I am immature, I said I know you are but what am I ??

   thinks copy and paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy and paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy and paste is the greatest...

   As long as there are tests,there will always be public prayers in schools.

   If you are late to special ed is it proper for the teacher to say that you are tardy?

   For fun, I cut out jack-o-lantern, put it on my head, and went into stores, asking if they sold pumpkin pie. When the startled employees said yes, I would leave the store yelling "Murderer's!" over and over again.

   old enought to know better...but young enough not to give a rats ass

   Well....looks like we got a "typical man" snow forecast....... they exaggerated about the inches and overestimated long it was going to last.

   A short list of things I seem unable to care about: vampires, shows about vampires, actors who play vampires, love lives of vampire actors.

   I can't believe America has become Fascist Country.

   Everytime this post is liked, the writer of this post gets kicked in the genitals.

   Tubman to be on the $20, there is your reparations, now shut up.

   Hillary is outraged that Republicans have started shooting potential Democrat voters at zoos

   Robin Thicke and Paula Patton are getting a divorce. I guess what rhymes with hug me is alimony

   The quickest way to a man's heart is to saw through the thoracic cage of ribs and sternum, and then penetrate the pericardium

   Pro death penalty - If you don't value other people's lives, why the hell should they value yours?

   The worst thing about parallel parking are witnesses.

   If a clown farts, does it smell funny?

   While working at the Samaritans I got a call from a fella who said he was going to end it all. He was going to pour a gallon of gas over himself and light a match. I told him "Ahmed its times like these you need your family round you".

   Just took a photo of myself naked. A hundred 'likes' within the next hour, or I'll post it.

   If I hear one more foreigner accusing us of having a "culture of violence" I'm gonna blow their brains out.