Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bath tubs - 2, Houston's - 0.

   Got a problem with me?? Solve it. Think I'm trippin'?? Tie my shoes. Can't stand me?? Sit back down. Can't face me?? Turn the hell around.

   Dear Fox News, So far no news about foxes. Sincerely, Unimpressed

   having trouble watering the plastic plants

   Cinco De Mayo, the only day Americans want to be Mexican

   So this blind man walks into a bar,,,,,,,, and a chair,, and a table.

   OK...Iraq sells oil $128 a barrel to us...Yet Iraq buys grain at $7 a bushel from us. Hmmm, solution...Sell grain at $128 a bushel. Can't buy it? Tough! Eat your oil... I'll bet ya the price of oil comes down real quick....

   People who say goodnight to facebook are annoying, I mean it's not like facebook is gonna reply goodnight or anything...

   I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today ... that b*tch was seeing someone else.

   Holy shi t! Serena Williams is working out at my gym! Wait...maybe it's Venus. Nope... False alarm. Just some random black guy

   men are the head of the household and women should realize it.Men rule the house! Now if you'll excuse me, I got to go to the store and get my wife some tampons like she asked me or she's going to get angry.

   Sorry Monday but it's over. I am leaving you for Tuesday, please don't be sad.....I have to look to the future....

   Once upon a time, GIRLS used to cook like their mothers,but now they drink like their Fathers...!!!

   Sweet dreams are made of cheese... Who am I to disagree?.. I've travelled the world and ate 7 peas... Everybody's lookin fo Dunkin...

   The chemicals released in your brain during sex are the same as when you see someone trip while taking a selfie.

   I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers...

   Sex,drugs & rock n roll are all very well, but nothing beats a nice cup of tea.

   Instead of "Build Back Better" How about "Put it Back Together" the way it was?!

   People who squirt Ketchup all over their fries instead of dipping them are not people you want in your life.

   Blizzard Survival Tip: If anyone in your household makes a "global warming" reference, throw them outside. It's the only way they'll learn.....