Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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The phrase "The Juice is loose" now has a new connotation. 
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
Pizza is like sex, even when it's good it smells like cheese.
The lower the number of dates you've had is directly proportionate to the greater the chances of your winning on Jeopardy.
Live music can take me to another place. Like tonight the music was so bad I went to another place.
I remember how proud my wife was when she taught our baby son how to walk and talk. Now that he's 5 she's trying to teach him to sit down and shut up.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
It's not complicated....it's confusing & stressfull
My foot has been in pain ever since I stepped on a box of breath mints. My doctor told me I have Tic-Tac toe.
I dont want to end this year on a bad note with anywone. So please apologize to me.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie. His new catchphrase? “I’ll be back....with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
the real reason you shouldn’t flush condoms is the fish get caught in them and it makes the fishermen laugh so hard they fall off the boat
The actual term for the outfit a nun wears is a 'nunsie'.
My advice is to never take any advice you get online. Including this advice.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I was so mad at my parents when I found out Santa wasn’t real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove.
The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company's low profits on Obamacare — which is odd because most people won't eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance.
Dear Jack Daniels: I'm holding one of those workouts like Kap where I drink a lot to become a spokesman. TIA.
Apparently when my wife asked which of her friends I wanted to invite for a birthday threesome I was supposed to give one name ... not two. 