Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a kid I thought I would never grow up to be the type of person to go out running every morning. And I was right.

   You know you're really not liked at your job, when they relocate and don't tell you where.

   Found a great feature Facebook has that not only gives you more privately, it blocks drama and give you more free time to do the things you want to do. And if you'd like to try it go to "Settings" then to "Account Ownership" then click on "Delete Account"

   The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.

   Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term Me: Don’t kid yourself

   [3am] Me: My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

   Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed. Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here? Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

   A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again

   I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

   the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when I got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon

   I dont think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds, because every time I take them she goes away

   subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

   its okay Christmas Tree. My lights don't come on either.

   That awkward moment when the operator asks you to read back the confirmation number.

   Elf on a Shelf? WTF? Back in my day, if a doll came to life, it murdered your whole family and everyone you loved. Kids are too coddled these days.

   I took out $15,000 of student loans and since I graduate last May I repaid $2,000 and now I am so glad to share that I only have $15,633 left to pay

   Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

   So who's ready for the holiday for singles the day after Saint Valentine's Day! You know 50% off cake and candy day.

   Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

   "Your The Only One For Me" Valentine's Day cards on sale 2 for $5 just seems wrong, totally wrong.