Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a kid I thought I would never grow up to be the type of person to go out running every morning. And I was right.

   You know you're really not liked at your job, when they relocate and don't tell you where.

   Found a great feature Facebook has that not only gives you more privately, it blocks drama and give you more free time to do the things you want to do. And if you'd like to try it go to "Settings" then to "Account Ownership" then click on "Delete Account"

   My foot has been in pain ever since I stepped on a box of breath mints. My doctor told me I have Tic-Tac toe.

   I dont want to end this year on a bad note with anywone. So please apologize to me.

   I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

   Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie. His new catchphrase? “I’ll be back....with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”

   the real reason you shouldn’t flush condoms is the fish get caught in them and it makes the fishermen laugh so hard they fall off the boat

   The actual term for the outfit a nun wears is a 'nunsie'.

   My advice is to never take any advice you get online. Including this advice.

   Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

   I was so mad at my parents when I found out Santa wasn’t real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove.

   The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company's low profits on Obamacare — which is odd because most people won't eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance.

   Dear Jack Daniels: I'm holding one of those workouts like Kap where I drink a lot to become a spokesman. TIA.

   Apparently when my wife asked which of her friends I wanted to invite for a birthday threesome I was supposed to give one name ... not two.

   You know you're a VW bus owner when you pass a junkyard and always think to yourself "I wonder if they have any parts I could use?"

   If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

   Don't forget to reset your calendars December 31st at midnight!

   To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

   A penny saved is more than a penny earned, because a penny earned is taxed.