Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   worm: sorry I slept in hey where is everyone

   Are bank robbers eligible for unemployment?

   Everytime I decline a friends request from Jerry Garcia I always wonder what if?

   “How was your day mom?” is teenager for I need something that costs money.

   I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

   Discriminating is awful. But remember, the coronavirus doesn't discriminate either.

   I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

   People with those rims that spin when the car isn't moving, how often do you have to replace the hamsters in those things?

   Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.

   for someone that hates being touched, I sure do have a lot of kids.

   Sometimes I lay on my kitchen floor and pretend to be a crumb

   In my mind: I got them moves like Jagger In reality: I got them moves like I’m on Jäger

   My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.

   it takes me like 3 days to wake up in the morning

   Being's today is Earth Day i'm gonna do my best to make sure it revolves around me.

   I had it made in the shade and then a limb fell on my head. FML.

   The phrase "The Juice is loose" now has a new connotation.

   I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.

   Pizza is like sex, even when it's good it smells like cheese.

   The lower the number of dates you've had is directly proportionate to the greater the chances of your winning on Jeopardy.