Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it considered addiction if you need a cup of coffee to fall asleep?

   i know its hump day but get off my leg.

   Everything magically appears when your mom looks for it.

   Excuse me Sir, you can barely fit in your car yet here you are trying to fit in a pair of skinny jeans?

   If ants are so busy, why do they go to so many picnics?

   Not everyone who plays with you is on your team.

   Sometimes, you have to hear a song twice before you decide you like it.

   The BEST can't find you until you put the WORST behind you.

   How about when you're in line at The Walmart and they herd ya over to express checkout and the people behind you get all pissed off.

   It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

   Just did 50 push ups. Really only 5 but 50 looks better on facebook

   Just brought a bottled drink and it had written on the label 'Still Water'. Good, because if it had changed to cider, I probably wouldn't have drunk it.

   this college basketball game is presented to you by Bud Light.....but we wont sell it just to piss you off!

   Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

   . No, "Thank You" isn't a lot to say outwardly, but it's all I CAN say when all other words fail me. Thank You....endlessly.

   In retrospect, everything is foreshadowing.

   I'd stand a much greater chance at checking out those spam porn emails if they didn't read something like, "young cuties horses XXX mother/son gangbang bondage erotica!" Uh, all at the same time, or...?

   The only magic trick I know is transforming a full potato chip bag into a trash bag.

   You know the economy is bad when...Congress decides to keep their hands in their OWN pockets.

   Wished they would make roads wider so I could drive sideways and not hit anything