Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was enjoying my shower...until the Home Depot manager opened the curtains... then it turned awkward!

   My thoughts of you make me the perfect mixture of happy and horny.

   I like the Facebook update. My "Update Status" box used to read, "What's on your mind?", this morning it changed to "Who are you going to annoy now?".

   If you had asked me a year ago, “what do think is more important, the Cheese or the Cracker?” I would have said “Cheese”, all day…But now, I've come to the realization, that the cracker plays an equally pivotal roll for this prominent combinat

   Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

   Why are all the apocalypse on eastern standard time?

   noticed that while someone is speaking to him, 80% of his inner dialouge is wondering if his face looks interested

   'Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning." Winston Churchill. War on terror is not over yet!

   it considered addiction if you need a cup of coffee to fall asleep?

   i know its hump day but get off my leg.

   Everything magically appears when your mom looks for it.

   Excuse me Sir, you can barely fit in your car yet here you are trying to fit in a pair of skinny jeans?

   If ants are so busy, why do they go to so many picnics?

   Not everyone who plays with you is on your team.

   Sometimes, you have to hear a song twice before you decide you like it.

   The BEST can't find you until you put the WORST behind you.

   How about when you're in line at The Walmart and they herd ya over to express checkout and the people behind you get all pissed off.

   It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

   Just did 50 push ups. Really only 5 but 50 looks better on facebook

   Just brought a bottled drink and it had written on the label 'Still Water'. Good, because if it had changed to cider, I probably wouldn't have drunk it.