Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What I lack in charm, I make up for in confused awkwardness

   My stages of drunk: 1. No way 2. Yes way 3. Three way

   Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by disagreeing with the wife.

   Dont go broke trying to look RICH. Act your wage!

   I'm going to sit quietly in my room today and think about what I did

   If something seems too good to be true... Quick, put it in your mouth.

   I never seize the day. I awkwardly watch the day across the room until it notices me staring, then I pretend to be looking at something else

   The voices in my head are telling me things even I wouldn't post.

   I'm such a slacker. It's a brand new year, and I haven't accomplished one d*mn thing.

   Welcome to camouflage club. I can see clearly that we have a big turnout this week, which is very disappointing.

   I knew our relationship was destined for failure when I couldn't fit her in my trunk

   If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply "I'm a lunatic" they won't ask any more questions.

   Kaepernick wish he had them Dre beats noise cancelation head phones to cancel the noise from Seatle fans right about now!

   Instead of, "Who won?" The most frequently asked question at Super Bowl 48 will be, "Hey, are you gonna eat the rest of those nachos?"

   Women check me out all the time!! I'm pretty selective on which lane I go to when leaving a store.

   an earthquake on valentines night....somewhere someone thinks they were great in bed to their lover for a perfect ending on the holiday

   Maybe Voldemort's face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.

   A lost and found but for airplanes.

   “I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends." Lincoln. It means, in order to turn your enemies into friends, you have to become President.

   Apparently Vladamir Putin did not watch Rocky IV.