Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People have 2 modes on facebook: pity prowling or overly offended by nothing

   Its almost summer and you know what that means!!!!! Time to find a phone cord long enough to reach my front porch.

   Getting old means half the fun for twice the hangover.

   "I've never felt so alone...." ~ Me, sitting down to poop and realizing I forgot my phone.

   [Two sharks on work lunch breaks] "Ugh, whale and jellyfish... again?!?!" "I'm having seaweed because..." "WE KNOW KARL, YOUR VEGAN"

   What I lack in charm, I make up for in confused awkwardness

   My stages of drunk: 1. No way 2. Yes way 3. Three way

   Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by disagreeing with the wife.

   Dont go broke trying to look RICH. Act your wage!

   I'm going to sit quietly in my room today and think about what I did

   If something seems too good to be true... Quick, put it in your mouth.

   I never seize the day. I awkwardly watch the day across the room until it notices me staring, then I pretend to be looking at something else

   The voices in my head are telling me things even I wouldn't post.

   I'm such a slacker. It's a brand new year, and I haven't accomplished one d*mn thing.

   Welcome to camouflage club. I can see clearly that we have a big turnout this week, which is very disappointing.

   I knew our relationship was destined for failure when I couldn't fit her in my trunk

   If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply "I'm a lunatic" they won't ask any more questions.

   Kaepernick wish he had them Dre beats noise cancelation head phones to cancel the noise from Seatle fans right about now!

   Instead of, "Who won?" The most frequently asked question at Super Bowl 48 will be, "Hey, are you gonna eat the rest of those nachos?"

   Women check me out all the time!! I'm pretty selective on which lane I go to when leaving a store.