Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If she asks you what you want for Father's Day. Tell her to take you off child support.

   [shark tank] me: I have an idea for ridiculously wide sunglasses.. shark 1: i'm out... shark 2: i'm out..... hammerhead shark: i'm listening

   As cold as it is outside, today might be a good day to double-up on my underwear.

   WebMD is so terrifying I just go directly to a casket website now.

   Don't You know what they say about Martini's?....Martini's are like T!tt!es.. 1's not enough and 3 too many!

   It's so cute how the outdoors try to compete with the internet.

   "i don't really like blow ups... they just don't do it for me." -overheard in the Christmas inflatables section of Target

   I picked up a bad habit of reading text messages, and then verbally responding to them, and then putting my phone away.

   I bet David Stern is rejecting this divorce and making Kobe and Vanessa stay married.

   The 4th rule of Fight Club is: Don't hit reply all to the Fight Club newsletter.

   beware the ides of march...

   At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.

   My favorite comedy writer is that guy that writes the assembly instructions for IKEA.......Subtle, Dark, Brilliant..

   Practice being nice, so that when you really need to be....it's not so hard.

   Nothing says "I've given up" like a fat person with a stomach tattoo.

   Kids are supposed to be so tech savvy these days but my 9-month-old just wants to lick my iPhone.

   Life has a weird way of working out if you take enough booze and drugs

   Is the whole point of the Home Depot commercials to make me feel lazy?

   In honor of Mother's Day, I'm going to subtly disapprove of everything people do today by loudly exhaling.

   The United States...311,591,917 people trying to keep it real, and 7,000 plastic surgeons trying to convince them otherwise.