Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hearing noises when you're home alone and just accepting the fact that you're going to die.

   I'm glad it's the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.

   Stupid Nexium commercial : "You wouldn't want your doctor doing your job." Yes I would. I want anyone besides myself to have to do my job.

   I told the wife earlier that I wanted a sex change. From no sex, to actually having some.

   Hand a man a jump rope and I will tell you if he is a sissy or not.

   When picking a song to represent your relationship, go for something obscure in case you ever break up. Mine is the National Anthem of Peru.

   Baby, I would like to enjoy my time with you, so shut the hell up.

   I'll never forget where I was the first time a girl called me 'Sir'.

   Relationship status: running for Mayor of the friend zone.

   You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic

   Tried to milk a bull once, needless to say, farming isn't for me!

   Everyone laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian, but nobody is laughing now.

   It's so romantic that you didn't press charges.

   I've been working out so much I'm losing my voice from telling people about it.

   We all spend our lives tiptoeing around trying not to say the wrong thing or offend anyone. So, I’ll be damned if I’m gonna do that h ere.

   If she asks you what you want for Father's Day. Tell her to take you off child support.

   [shark tank] me: I have an idea for ridiculously wide sunglasses.. shark 1: i'm out... shark 2: i'm out..... hammerhead shark: i'm listening

   I'm not worried about Werewolves, Vampires, Zombies or Haunted Hotels .... I'm worried about what real Human Beings will do to other Human Beings.

   It would be nice if Mexicans took some initiative and MadeMexicoGreatAgain

   Hangman is a great tool to teach children that if you can't spell a word, someone could lose their life because of their ignorance.