Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before coffee: I hate everyone. After coffee: I have so much energy to hate everyone.

   I asked what to bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I'm bringing a wireless router.

   Only men with beards can truly understand How much a cat or dog loves to have their chin scratched

   "Not sold in stores, available online only" just means "if you ever saw this in person, you'd never buy it."

   The scariest thing about dating is that you either break-up or get married.

   ACA's, CMA's, ACM's...country music is working on having as many stupid awards shows as college football has pointless bowl games.

   The more stupid people I meet, the more I understand serial killers and think they should be called serial problem solvers.

   Don't make me choke you with this imaginary cell phone cord.

   Well this morning I woke up in a box under my tree... I guess I should of been more specific when I told Santa "I want the sexiest person alive for Christmas"!

   "It's no surprise that Brittany Spears lip syncs, but her fierce choreography makes up for it," says one Critic about her new Las Vegas show...Hasn't Brittany's dancing ALWAYS made up for what she calls her singing since day one?

   Some people hope their search for happiness ends in love and fulfillment, I just hope mine ends in minimal bloodshed and no felony charges.

   Reminder: You are a perishable item, live accordingly.

   What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.

   I'm the best dad in the world when i'm surrounded by strippers.

   When I say I'm off the market, I mean I was recalled.

   The way that people always talk how they wouldn't do it has convinced me that there is a lot of touching things with ten foot poles that we don't know about.

   First date tip: to add an air of mystery, whisper "she suspects nothing" into your wristwatch

   Sitting here watching the "Biggest Loser" season finale... uh, thought I would see the Broncos....

   Ok now the people answerring the idiot are pissing me off!

   A real gentleman helps a woman find her panties.