Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yesterday I saw a donkey crossing the road... the funny thing, he looked both ways before he crossed. What a smart ass....

   I just want America to be great again like when my dad used to pay my credit card bill.

   Forgive me if I unfollow you...God only gave me so many brain cells, and I'm not about to lose them over these retarded posts you put on Facebook everyday.

   I didn't know Harriet Tubman was a dead president?

   For all of you people making fun of Republicans out there, Just think .. almost half of the people out there vote Republican and there are more out there than you think, One or two might be staring at you right now while you are staring at ur stupid phon

   I just attempted to wash a paper plate if you wonder how much money I have available.

   It was a simpler time when we believed George Michael was straight and Prince was gay

   The only real importance in life is getting ahead. Head. I meant to say head.

   I'm kinda the dark, handsome type. If it's DARK, I'm handsome.

   Frogger taught me the importance of looking both ways before hopping across the road.

   Throw caution to the wind. Throw indecision to a tornado. Throw anxiety to a cyclone. Basically, If it's windy make real bad decisions.

   OK Cupid reviewed my profile. They suggest I get a puppy.

   Relationship status: Looking for someone to rub me the wrong way...

   How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?

   *Nude Pic* INAPPROPRIATE *Black & White Nude Pic* ART

   Tomorrow is Canada Day, maybe we should all go out for some good Canadian Cuisine to celebrate

   "What's your name?" "Who's your daddy?" "Is he rich like me?" These "reset your password" questions are getting kind of weird.

   Ketchup's popularity skyrocketed when they stopped calling it tomato jelly.

   I got the kids Frozen yesterday... and the sperm bank only charged me $100 for doing it...

   The genie that I rubbed to get my three wishes was not a genie at all. Anyone got bail money?