Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoever named it a "mobile" phone obviously didn't anticipate me spending the day on the couch covered in crumbs reading Twitter.

   Feel I could meet the woman of my dreams today. Hopefully not the one from the dream where I'm being shot at by a lady dressed as a clown.

   I found a new family, will give my family two weeks notice today.

   Sorry V̶a̶l̶e̶n̶t̶i̶n̶e̶sD̶a̶y̶. It's Champions League Time!

   When are they going to air the commercial where the recipient of a car in a giant ribbon says, “A LEXUS! We can't afford this, you idiot.”?

   I'm not actually dangerously unbalanced. At most, I'm gracefully insane. I wouldn't have it any other way

   For Christmas I'm asking Santa for a great big sense of entitlement that can only be filled with materialism! - earth kids.

   Nothing gets me more in the holiday spirit than the sound of sirens approaching.

   Be creative, invent a perversion.

   I hate it when I go to a convenience store and buy something with a nice clean neat bill and they give you change with crumpled up bills that look like they came out of a coal miners pocket !

   I don't mind if you wear the pants in our relationship, because if I'm doing it right, you won't have them on for long...

   Speaking of 5 Guys...You want a burger with those fries?

   I just ate a yogurt that expired two weeks ago ! ..................... Now I'm waiting ??

   Life would be more bearable if our problems only lasted as long as Kim Kardashian's marriage.

   If Justing Bieber was a real man, he wouldn't have his own line of womens perfume...

   I wish I knew Spanish so I could understand the voices in my head.

   dear santa, I found the shoes I want, text me for my size

   "No comment" - said no woman, ever

   Relationship status: Throwing stones at couples in the park.

   Poodles are just dogs that listened to too much Kenny G.