Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only difference between me and much of the rest of the world is that I admit I'm crazy, whereas they are in denial.

   From every setback, I make a major comeback.

   "Ho ho ho" would be more appropriate as a Halloween greeting.

   My printer is louder than the original printing press.

   Girls Theory “Listen Half, Understand Quarter, Think Zero & React DOUBLE”

   Congrats to Jack In The Box on their new bacon malt beverage...I'm guessing that one milkshake that WON'T bring "boys to the yard".

   Had a long phone conversation with an old friend. He simply wouldn't shut up about phones. Finally had to just walk away.

   Whoever named it a "mobile" phone obviously didn't anticipate me spending the day on the couch covered in crumbs reading Twitter.

   Feel I could meet the woman of my dreams today. Hopefully not the one from the dream where I'm being shot at by a lady dressed as a clown.

   I found a new family, will give my family two weeks notice today.

   Sorry V̶a̶l̶e̶n̶t̶i̶n̶e̶sD̶a̶y̶. It's Champions League Time!

   When are they going to air the commercial where the recipient of a car in a giant ribbon says, “A LEXUS! We can't afford this, you idiot.”?

   I'm not actually dangerously unbalanced. At most, I'm gracefully insane. I wouldn't have it any other way

   For Christmas I'm asking Santa for a great big sense of entitlement that can only be filled with materialism! - earth kids.

   Nothing gets me more in the holiday spirit than the sound of sirens approaching.

   Be creative, invent a perversion.

   I hate it when I go to a convenience store and buy something with a nice clean neat bill and they give you change with crumpled up bills that look like they came out of a coal miners pocket !

   I don't mind if you wear the pants in our relationship, because if I'm doing it right, you won't have them on for long...

   Speaking of 5 Guys...You want a burger with those fries?

   I just ate a yogurt that expired two weeks ago ! ..................... Now I'm waiting ??