Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Magic Mike: raising women's expectations of every man.

   One mans trash, is another mans daughter.

   Warning – Dates in calendars are much closer than they appear.

   "Just kidding!" is one of the biggest lies there is.

   When someone dies I never know what to say, but I think about all the horrible things I shouldn't say and hold them in.

   I shaved my chest hair into a Superman "S". Ironically, I feel completely powerless and will probably endure a humiliating beatdown

   There's an evil intention behind every gallon of gas.

   It was earth hour last night at 8:30. I turned everything off for an hour, couldn't see a damn thing...so I built a tire fire for some light. Still trying to put it out.

   Hey ladies, if you are looking for a tough, manly boyfriend, then that DEFINITELY wasn't me that ran screaming down the hall when I walked into that spider web... I swear.

   That uneasy moment when you ask a midget what they want to be when they grow up.

   Looking forward to Egg Salad Monday.

   wondering why in the year 2012 , My smoke detector can't decipher the difference between boiling water and and a real fire !

   Only your iphone knows who cheats

   The only difference between me and much of the rest of the world is that I admit I'm crazy, whereas they are in denial.

   From every setback, I make a major comeback.

   "Ho ho ho" would be more appropriate as a Halloween greeting.

   My printer is louder than the original printing press.

   Girls Theory “Listen Half, Understand Quarter, Think Zero & React DOUBLE”

   Congrats to Jack In The Box on their new bacon malt beverage...I'm guessing that one milkshake that WON'T bring "boys to the yard".

   Had a long phone conversation with an old friend. He simply wouldn't shut up about phones. Finally had to just walk away.