Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.

   Too bad phones don't record smells. I just had something to share with all of you!

   Women only need 3.5 inches to reach maximum pleasure. Yes...It's called a credit card.

   I met the love of my life at Starbucks. She was beautiful, but I knew I had to drink her eventually.

   I see your re-p0st and raise you a hand jerking off motion.

   I wonder what Lebron got Delonte West for Father's Day?

   What's with women and emotions? Whenever I find myself getting emotional, I just drink Vodka and I am cured.

   Magic Mike: raising women's expectations of every man.

   One mans trash, is another mans daughter.

   Warning – Dates in calendars are much closer than they appear.

   "Just kidding!" is one of the biggest lies there is.

   When someone dies I never know what to say, but I think about all the horrible things I shouldn't say and hold them in.

   I shaved my chest hair into a Superman "S". Ironically, I feel completely powerless and will probably endure a humiliating beatdown

   There's an evil intention behind every gallon of gas.

   It was earth hour last night at 8:30. I turned everything off for an hour, couldn't see a damn thing...so I built a tire fire for some light. Still trying to put it out.

   Hey ladies, if you are looking for a tough, manly boyfriend, then that DEFINITELY wasn't me that ran screaming down the hall when I walked into that spider web... I swear.

   That uneasy moment when you ask a midget what they want to be when they grow up.

   Looking forward to Egg Salad Monday.

   wondering why in the year 2012 , My smoke detector can't decipher the difference between boiling water and and a real fire !

   Only your iphone knows who cheats