Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ok so my cart tapped your ass.. Whatever guy in front of me! I see your crocs... That's probably the most action you've gotten in months.

   Looks like St. Patrick's day can't come soon enough this year for the Irish!

   Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it's no biggie by breaking into a jog and don't stop until I'm in a new city with a new life.

   Coworker: "I can't eat anything that looks too much like it did before it was dead." Me: "You sound terrible at sex."

   why do people post a pic of every meal that they eat? no one cares...

   So Subway's Foot Longs are actually only 11 inches. Hang on while I get my calculator and figure this all out....I've had this many subs over the past several......okay got it...Subway, you owe me a Ten Mile sub.

   People who feel sorry for themselves never feel sorry for anyone else.

   Nicki Minaj, a judge on American Idol we are being Punk'd right?

   Hey! Just because I'm a jerk to your face, doesn't mean I don't talk sweet about you behind your back!

   why does the microwave plate stay cool but my plate is 500 f ucking degrees??

   if your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

   A recent gallop poll shows that horses prefer trotting.

   They say love is more important than money. B!tch, have you ever tried paying your bills with a hug?!

   Randy Travis' meltdown was so bad Al Gore is making a documentary about it.

   I like going in for a Vasectomy and then backing out at the last second just so someone else can shave my junk.

   Top tip: Cereal is less fattening if you don't butter it.

   guess how many people gave up looking for work and started selling heroin.

   When I start to feel confident,, I remember how I've played entire games of Mario Kart watching the wrong screen..

   Guys who come to work smiling, congrats on your morning beejay.

   Some of the greatest relationship tips come from watching CSI.