Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nicki Minaj, a judge on American Idol we are being Punk'd right?

   Hey! Just because I'm a jerk to your face, doesn't mean I don't talk sweet about you behind your back!

   why does the microwave plate stay cool but my plate is 500 f ucking degrees??

   if your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

   A recent gallop poll shows that horses prefer trotting.

   They say love is more important than money. B!tch, have you ever tried paying your bills with a hug?!

   Randy Travis' meltdown was so bad Al Gore is making a documentary about it.

   I like going in for a Vasectomy and then backing out at the last second just so someone else can shave my junk.

   Top tip: Cereal is less fattening if you don't butter it.

   guess how many people gave up looking for work and started selling heroin.

   When I start to feel confident,, I remember how I've played entire games of Mario Kart watching the wrong screen..

   Guys who come to work smiling, congrats on your morning beejay.

   Some of the greatest relationship tips come from watching CSI.

   If I notice you've lost weight and ask what your secret is, and you say, "Diet & exercise!" I will punch you in your skinny face.

   Justin Bieber has planned a trip to space. He's going to boldly go where everyone wants him to stay.

   The tattoos girls lower back should all read; "This Side Up."

   I’m drinking because you’re talking.

   No one needs a vacation from me more than me.

   Wine is a fruit, right?!

   Don’t let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life.