Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you are ALWAYS posting status updates about your “HATERS,” chances are I'm one of them.

   If a woman in a bikini is close by, a guy will make the simplest task look like a major construction project.

   Guys, flowers die, chocolates make'em fat, shoes wear out & stuffed animals are boring. Don't be stupid, give her rocks. They last forever.

   I stopped going to church when they said I had to attend the whole thing, not just the wine tasting.

   Today, I had the greatest Sunday dinner ever. I can't begin to define the level of greatness that this meal possessed. It was so great, I can't actually tell you you how truly great it was. I had Frosted Flakes.

   behind every successful man is a woman that didn't marry me.

   Alabama has to use prisoners to pick crops since they scared the immigrants away. This explains the tear tattooed on my tomato.

   according to lipton the best way to make tea is to agitate the bag so every morning morning I slap the wife on the ass and say two sugars fatty

   just won 1st prize at the Halloween party for best costume which was male genitalia. I never even entered. I just went to pick up the wife and forgot to take off my bluetooth headset

   RUMORS are carried by HATERS, spread by FOOLS and accepted by IDIOTS.

   There is only one perfect wife in the world,,,,,and every neighbor has it !

   thinking I should write a book about living with A.D.D., because I love home renovation. #squirrel 

   I told my cousin to embrace her mistakes. she cried. then she hugged her children.

   Just looking for a special gal whose personality disorders match my personality disorders.

   I fart, because it's the only gas I can afford.

   Welp ladies valentines day is over. Time for the men to go back to being a-holes again.

   Penguins can't fly, I can't fly. Therefore, I am a penguin.

   And then one day she realized she could never love a man who could name more than 2 Kardashians.

   Seriously? If I denied your friend request a month ago chances are we're not going to be fb friends with this request either

   I thought texting whilr driving was hard,, until my nana told me about the time she got her typewriter caught in the steering wheel.