Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   according to lipton the best way to make tea is to agitate the bag so every morning morning I slap the wife on the ass and say two sugars fatty

   just won 1st prize at the Halloween party for best costume which was male genitalia. I never even entered. I just went to pick up the wife and forgot to take off my bluetooth headset

   RUMORS are carried by HATERS, spread by FOOLS and accepted by IDIOTS.

   There is only one perfect wife in the world,,,,,and every neighbor has it !

   thinking I should write a book about living with A.D.D., because I love home renovation. #squirrel 

   I told my cousin to embrace her mistakes. she cried. then she hugged her children.

   Just looking for a special gal whose personality disorders match my personality disorders.

   I fart, because it's the only gas I can afford.

   Welp ladies valentines day is over. Time for the men to go back to being a-holes again.

   Penguins can't fly, I can't fly. Therefore, I am a penguin.

   And then one day she realized she could never love a man who could name more than 2 Kardashians.

   Seriously? If I denied your friend request a month ago chances are we're not going to be fb friends with this request either

   I thought texting whilr driving was hard,, until my nana told me about the time she got her typewriter caught in the steering wheel.

   make me an alligator sandwich and make it snappy

   Getting on your feet requires getting off your butt.

   Can officially include rescue operations on my resume after I saved a bug from a spider web

   I went shopping at Sam's Club and now I have enough toilet paper to last until 2027.

   Your Body is a Temple, let the Spirits in....preferably in shot form.

   My mother taught me RELIGION. “You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

   My wife was admitted to the hospital last night. She's in the Expensive Care Unit.