Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you need a friend (text me) need a laugh (call me) need a hug (stop by) need money (this number is no longer in service)

   I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.

   I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet, but only for about 30 seconds.

   I love Halloween. You get free candy without having to get into anyone's van.

   I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.

   If a car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a little so the cars behind me can see I'm not causing the traffic

   My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That's not my waiter

   Don't think we didn't notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.

   When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.

   Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide?

   I used to be a People Person, but People ruined it for me!!!

   My boss is currently shopping for quarter million dollar homes. Meanwhile, I'm over here deciding if I really need to spend $2 on lunch.

   I don't need to walk a mile in your shoes. I can see you're a train wreck from all the way over here.

   Thank you for pretending not to see me, when I pretended not to see you

   just got my Xmas wishlist back from Santa with a little note attached... It said "LMAO! HELL NO!!!!

   When you're a fast texter, two minutes is a long time to wait for a reply....

   It is a universal truth that everything you do is at least 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake anyone up.

   Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license...

   Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate....

   everybody always says, "say no to drugs," but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late