Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm alone by choice, but your alone by being yourself!

   When I was 18 I used to worry that I didn't do it enough, now that I'm over 40 I worry I might have to do it.

   Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?

   ...is now awesome. earlier I was just pretty damn amazing :)

   needs a warm fireplace for my morningwood.

   Today is the 1 year anniversary of Michael Jackson's death. I will be randomly grabbing my crotch in his memory for the rest of the day.

   Just a guess, but I'm suspecting if the Cancer Society held drinkathons instead of walkathons, we'd have a cure by now

   contemplating becoming schizophrenic, but is in two minds about it.

   went to a country jamboree when this slutty dressed girl tripped and ended up on her back...Couldn't help it...I yelled Now that's a HO DOWN!!!

   Monkeys use sex as a way to end an argument....One of my favorite techniques as well

   Broom for sale...needs new motor from overuse. Switching to magic carpet...more comfortable.

   Sometimes God turns you upside down so you can learn to live rightside up.

   If you think things improve with age, attend a class reunion.

   I should run for office I'm tired of peeps getn free rides with 26 inch rims and and dont work

   A boyfriend is someone who, after taking out the trash, gives an impression he just cleaned the entire house.

   Gave my dogs the leftover turkey; now they're asleep beneath me with gas. Dog's ass... Not my idea of Aromatherapy...

   It just dawned on me that Yogi Bear and Boo are just Fred and Barney with fur. (Think about it)

   "I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling me to stop."... thought the Dog.

   may not be the real Santa, but that doesn't mean I haven't seen you while you're sleeping."

   See, you think I give a sh@t.. Wrong! In fact, while you talk,I'm thinking; How can I give less of a sh@t?that's why I look so interested..