Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would love to hear more music that is not about sex or even love, because there is other stuff in life.

   I was expelled from school on pajama day. Not my fault I sleep naked.

   Did you know that 85% of Facebook relationships end in "F*ck that B*tch"..

   "dora the explorer" it is a cartoon show of a hispanic girl who teaches english speaking children spanish.. I assume so they can communicate with coustomer service if needed..

   The Allstate guy doesn't count as a black friend.

   My wife is dropping hints about having sex. So I currently playing dead.

   I told my ex to make sure she gives 100% today... she's on her way to donate blood.

   an animal rights activist against fur but not leather because it's easier to harass rich old ladies instead of motorcycle gangs

   B!tch If you can't fit your tweet into 140 characters, maybe you should shut the hell up.

   A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they're naughty.

   Just treated my nostrils to a Brazilian!!

   Time heals everything... except that stupid tattoo.

   From now I'm going to on Craigslist to try finding love. Or at least a free mattress with questionable stains to cry myself to sleep on.

   I do what I want, when I want and where I want!! if my wife says it's ok.

   F.Y.I. a slice of bread does not substitute as toilet paper.

   Why do men act so surprised when they see a stripper jump out of a cake? Do they think someone got them a 4 feet cake to eat? Idiots.

   I don't care what time it is!!! Grilling without a BEER is like going to church and not PRAYING.

   it's lonely at the bottom too.

   To all those who said I couldn't make jokes about blind people... watch me.

   If you're talking on your cell phone in a public bathroom, I will flush the toilet over & over so your friend knows "exactly" where you are.