Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.

   If I could vote for just Romney's hair, I would.

   What idiot driver on the freeway next to me this morning was trying to floss while driving, he was swerving all over the place. The jerk nearly made me drop my newspaper and my phone!!!

   Did you ever blow bubbles as a kid?... Well he's back in town

   Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph.

   I would love to hear more music that is not about sex or even love, because there is other stuff in life.

   I was expelled from school on pajama day. Not my fault I sleep naked.

   Did you know that 85% of Facebook relationships end in "F*ck that B*tch"..

   "dora the explorer" it is a cartoon show of a hispanic girl who teaches english speaking children spanish.. I assume so they can communicate with coustomer service if needed..

   The Allstate guy doesn't count as a black friend.

   My wife is dropping hints about having sex. So I currently playing dead.

   I told my ex to make sure she gives 100% today... she's on her way to donate blood.

   an animal rights activist against fur but not leather because it's easier to harass rich old ladies instead of motorcycle gangs

   B!tch If you can't fit your tweet into 140 characters, maybe you should shut the hell up.

   A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they're naughty.

   Just treated my nostrils to a Brazilian!!

   Time heals everything... except that stupid tattoo.

   From now I'm going to on Craigslist to try finding love. Or at least a free mattress with questionable stains to cry myself to sleep on.

   I do what I want, when I want and where I want!! if my wife says it's ok.

   F.Y.I. a slice of bread does not substitute as toilet paper.