Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saw Snooki! Wait...nevermind. It was just a trash can.

   I started reading a book on S&M, but I got tied up and couldn't finish it

   How was I supposed to know she was ugly? She had boobs.

   In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.

   Way to go Colorado... haha I can see it now. Pot Stamps for those who can't afford to buy their own pot.

   Can't wait until they make odorless whiskey so I don't have to be embarrassed when I open my Gatorade at AA meetings.

   Can you imagine if Facebook just decided to shut down and you see all these confused teenagers coming out of their house squinting at the sun.

   it too late for Justin Bieber's mom to have an abortion?

   8 planets, 1 universe, 204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas and I just HAD to find yo dumbass.

   Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

   If you do kindness to others, others will do you with kindness.

   If you had told me 30 years ago that I'd be talking to strangers on the Internet all day, I woulda told you to shut up and pack another bowl....

   Kanye's kid is gonna have a hard time understanding GPS instructions. GPS: "Turn North West." North West: "Yeah, but which way do I turn?"

   White = psycho. Black = thug. Arab = terrorist. Humans = idiots.

   I'm still kinda pi'ssed that they never did tell us how to get to sesame street

   Sence its started raining, all my wife has done is looking through the windows. If it gets any worse I'm gonna have to let her in!

   It's Valentine's Day... If you arer married, go and kiss your wife or husband, if you have a girlfriend/boyfriend, do the same... and if you are single, kiss the ground and thank GOD!!! =)) HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

   Guys, don't hit your woman! Bottle that $hit up inside like a real man!!

   We put a man on the moon, but we don't have roll down windows in the back of minivans yet??

   Civilization is the process of setting man free from men.