Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Found a Capri cigarette in my son's room and now I don't know what to be most upset about.

   And this year's Oscar (Pistorius) goes to ....... Jail. (͡๏̯͡๏)

   Ugly girls give excellent hand-jobs. Which is an actual stupid skill to have, considering a guy could just jerk himself off and avoid the ugly.

   "whoever said tis better to loved and lost than never loved can scuk my ballsack..."Yeh, you're right because I'm geting a restraining order for them... :)

   I want to be a Disney Princess... Mostly so I would have random animals help me with my housework

   Raise some kids, raise a family, grow old together... God that sounds like a fairytale these days.

   Be thankful.....in dog years, you're dead.

   I just saw Snooki! Wait...nevermind. It was just a trash can.

   I started reading a book on S&M, but I got tied up and couldn't finish it

   How was I supposed to know she was ugly? She had boobs.

   In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.

   Way to go Colorado... haha I can see it now. Pot Stamps for those who can't afford to buy their own pot.

   Can't wait until they make odorless whiskey so I don't have to be embarrassed when I open my Gatorade at AA meetings.

   Can you imagine if Facebook just decided to shut down and you see all these confused teenagers coming out of their house squinting at the sun.

   it too late for Justin Bieber's mom to have an abortion?

   8 planets, 1 universe, 204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas and I just HAD to find yo dumbass.

   Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

   If you do kindness to others, others will do you with kindness.

   If you had told me 30 years ago that I'd be talking to strangers on the Internet all day, I woulda told you to shut up and pack another bowl....

   Kanye's kid is gonna have a hard time understanding GPS instructions. GPS: "Turn North West." North West: "Yeah, but which way do I turn?"