Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know that your phone has a feature where you can press a few numbers and actually talk to a person?

   With soaring gas prices and my abnormally sized feet, I am thinking that I will be Yabba-dabba-dooing it to work this week!

   Marriage is like a deck of cards: In the beginning all you need are two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

   Pretending you're the host of a cooking show, when you're home alone cooking.

   A cowboy rode up, got off his horse, lifted its tail and gave him a good wet kiss on his ass. He turned, saw guys on the porch and said, I got me a mean case of chapped lips! One fella asked, Does it help? He said, No, but it keeps me from licking em..

   My mind is like god. It works in mysterious ways, no one really understands it, and people debate over whether or not it exists.

   When stopped by the police and asked if you have any drugs or firearms, it is never a good idea to say, "Why? What do you need?"

   The Statue of Liberty is undergoing renovations. She's sure to attract a lot of immigrants with her new D-cups

   A chick just posted as her status "Which celebrity would like to have sex with right now? :D".....Apparently, saying "Amy Winehouse" is a good way to get deleted and blocked. :P

   Facebook should change the status question from “What's on your mind?” to “What's your problem today?”

   Love my new job. It's at a work free drug place.

   its funny how those who cry "tolerance" and "open-minded" are so intolerant and closed-minded to philosophies other than their own...

   I wonder if the people that applaud Michelle Bachmann at the debates are the same people that voted for Sanjaya on American Idol.

   I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and some I'd love to punch in the face!

   Okay. You have the perfect marriage. Fine. Your grandkids are the greatest ever. Fine. You have a nice car and boat. Fine. Stick em all up your a$$. Fine.

   life is all about ass. You're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it or trying to get a piece of it.

   LADIES: If you don't know ur own worth and value...then do NOT expect someone else to calculate it for u.

   Every time I see these college/university commercials on TV, the my brain just keeps screaming (SCAM!, SCAM!, SCAM!, SCAAAAAAM!)

   Whose idea was it to "be an adult?"

   Wondering how much of my tax money was used to fuel up the marine helicopters used to bring the trainers in for the biggest loser. Now I'm paying for fat people to lose weight? Wtf!