Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WALMART, because going to TARGET requires taking a shower.

   What Miley Cyrus did is nothing compared to what some of your baby girls have already done in her first week at college.

   When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.

   Syria is like someone elses unruly child. You want to spank the $hit out of them but you shouldn't...

   I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup and I just took the biggest vowel movement ever.

   For Sale: authentic Tim Tebow Broncos Jersey...'Like New' condition, Will negotiate a trade (no pun intended) asking 5$ OBO

   Omg! I cant stand waiting in lines.... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

   Did you know that your phone has a feature where you can press a few numbers and actually talk to a person?

   With soaring gas prices and my abnormally sized feet, I am thinking that I will be Yabba-dabba-dooing it to work this week!

   Marriage is like a deck of cards: In the beginning all you need are two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

   Pretending you're the host of a cooking show, when you're home alone cooking.

   A cowboy rode up, got off his horse, lifted its tail and gave him a good wet kiss on his ass. He turned, saw guys on the porch and said, I got me a mean case of chapped lips! One fella asked, Does it help? He said, No, but it keeps me from licking em..

   My mind is like god. It works in mysterious ways, no one really understands it, and people debate over whether or not it exists.

   When stopped by the police and asked if you have any drugs or firearms, it is never a good idea to say, "Why? What do you need?"

   The Statue of Liberty is undergoing renovations. She's sure to attract a lot of immigrants with her new D-cups

   A chick just posted as her status "Which celebrity would like to have sex with right now? :D".....Apparently, saying "Amy Winehouse" is a good way to get deleted and blocked. :P

   Facebook should change the status question from “What's on your mind?” to “What's your problem today?”

   Love my new job. It's at a work free drug place.

   its funny how those who cry "tolerance" and "open-minded" are so intolerant and closed-minded to philosophies other than their own...

   I wonder if the people that applaud Michelle Bachmann at the debates are the same people that voted for Sanjaya on American Idol.