Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A stripper just got mad at me for saying godd@mmit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality

   A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.

   Anyone know about how much Santa weighs ... I am currently setting a trap and need some info.

   Wants Febreeze to make a bacon scent and then I'll be on board... Mmmmm bacon house.

   I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

   i love my PC, my friends live in it

   I was recently diagnosed with CDO. Its the same thing as OCD its just in alphabetical order, the way it should be!

   Don't wait for the perfect moment...Take the moment and make it perfect!

   Just herd the cast of Jersey Shore is going to Italy next season...That's great!!! I hope they stay there. -_-

   3.14 % of sailors are PI rates

   in a relationship with Maxwell House. It's complicated.

   There's a special place in hell for people who don't provide access to alcohol at children's parties.

   If you are an option, you are also an idiot

   My dog just told me he's been faking his leg humps.

   Everyone is talking about Black Friday, I havent even seen the previews! Is that the new Kim Kardashian documentary?

   doesn't get why sex is often referred to as 'sleeping with someone'. Do it right and neither one of you will be getting much sleep that night.

   hope the weekend comes as fast as my ex

   Notre Dame is reminding me of high school.......i didnt score either!

   I want an iPhone with BBM and a Nokia battery.

   I'm exercising, eating right & watching my alcohol intake. So don't cross me...I'm sober & I'm cranky.