Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone know about how much Santa weighs ... I am currently setting a trap and need some info.

   Wants Febreeze to make a bacon scent and then I'll be on board... Mmmmm bacon house.

   I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

   i love my PC, my friends live in it

   There's a special place in hell for people who don't provide access to alcohol at children's parties.

   If you are an option, you are also an idiot

   My dog just told me he's been faking his leg humps.

   Everyone is talking about Black Friday, I havent even seen the previews! Is that the new Kim Kardashian documentary?

   doesn't get why sex is often referred to as 'sleeping with someone'. Do it right and neither one of you will be getting much sleep that night.

   hope the weekend comes as fast as my ex

   Notre Dame is reminding me of high school.......i didnt score either!

   I want an iPhone with BBM and a Nokia battery.

   I'm exercising, eating right & watching my alcohol intake. So don't cross me...I'm sober & I'm cranky.

   WALMART, because going to TARGET requires taking a shower.

   What Miley Cyrus did is nothing compared to what some of your baby girls have already done in her first week at college.

   When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.

   Syria is like someone elses unruly child. You want to spank the $hit out of them but you shouldn't...

   I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup and I just took the biggest vowel movement ever.

   For Sale: authentic Tim Tebow Broncos Jersey...'Like New' condition, Will negotiate a trade (no pun intended) asking 5$ OBO

   Omg! I cant stand waiting in lines.... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.