Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Having a threesome during Flu season is just asking for trouble..

   The difference between me and some other guys: If my significant other cheats on me, their ass will be out the door, no excuses, no second chances.

   Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn't want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop

   Stop telling me to stop drinking; even the bible says He brews.

   I like messing with Texas by calling random numbers in Houston and telling them we've have a problem.

   When a woman compliments me on my looks, I assume she's ovulating or something.

   Ladies; The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else.

   I've said it before and I'll say it again: it before

   Rest In Peace Mick Jagger - Steve Harvey

   My girlfriend bought me a can of Axe bodyspray for my birthday......However, I live in a predominantly black neighborhood so around here we call is Ask.......

   The Avengers have Assembled.......and The Dark Knight will Rise.

   Heard the Kardashians referred to as "American Royalty" on the radio today.....Currently in the bathroom taking an "American Royalty"

   I work hard, because millions on welfare are depending on me.

   Bi$ch please, I can wipe 90 percent of you're so called "BEAUTY" off with a freaking towel!

   there such a thing as Mexican Boy Scout Cookies? Cause I think I just got ripped off by a couple of dudes in sombreros.

   Sometimes I just want to run up to a stranger on the street and say "YOU'RE IT!!" and then run away.

   My "check engine" light came on while driving this morning, I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.

   My Homeless sign would say: "Ninjas killed my family! Need money for kung-fu lessons!"

   What the hell is a Honey Boo Boo? And can it get me high?

   I was so angry at my parents when I found out Santa wasn't real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove.