Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   says, "Hello Monday..." the same way Jerry Seinfeld says, "Hello Newman..."

   My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbour forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible.

   I needed to find a donut shop. I didn't want to attempt to start up the GPS on my phone while driving. I followed a cop. It took 4 minutes.

   Anytime someone says their going to delete their Facebook remember to ask for goodbye sex first

   Well if you have no intention of getting married, Reverend, it's not really Pre-Marital sex, is it?

   #ThatAwkwardMoment when you are at a funeral and your phone rings.. you ring tone is "Another One Bites The Dust"

   does anyone else only watch the show "Hardcore Pawn" cause they read the title wrong? Asking for a friend.

   According to my Domino's Pizza Tracker,,, It's currently in my lower colon...

   69 is the kamikaze of oral sex .. If I'm going down you're coming with me.

   Just tried to change my password to 'Twilight,' but Facebook wouldn't let me. Said there's too many useless characters.

   Breaking News: Anthony Weiner is running for reerection!

   They say, if you like her, put a ring on it. And I am saying, If you like him, put a BJ on it.

   Sometimes a lil weed is all you need.

   Its funny how black NFL players sit during the national anthem in protest but would surely shoot another black for a cool pair of sneakers.

   ■When you take an amazing picture you automatically think: “That will be my new profile picture”.

   James Cameron's new movie "Avatar" comes out next week. People say it will be as successful as "Titanic". Not the movie. The ship.

   considering taking out a loan and purchasing a yacht so I can decrease my deficit *Universal Health Care Bill logic*

   might be addicted to eBay considering he just spent 6 hours trying to burn the face of Jesus into his toast.

   Its bad enough humour has dried up around these parts but now we have to resort to r acial humour? Really?

   Let's get married, make babies, argue about money & yell hurtful things at each other while praying for a way out. That's real love baby!