Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Seriously, get off the computer once in a while… smell the roses… volunteer… show your balls to a turtle…

   I guess firefighters really get pissed when you call and say your house is on fire and when they show up, you just want your pool filled for the season...

   Syed Rizwan Farook and Tashfeen Malik dropped their baby off with its grandmother and told her they had a doctor's appointment. I guess technically, a coronor is a doctor.

   SNOWBALL FIGHT !!!"o´¯`❄.¸(░) `O.¸¸.¸. o´¯`❄. ¸(░) `O. ❄。 ¨¯`*✲ ´*。. ❄¨¯`*✲。 ❄*´*。 ✲O. ¸¸. ¸. o´¯`o. ¸ (░) `O. ¸¸.✲. ¸. o´¯`¸. o´¯`❄¸ (░) `O. ¸¸. ¸.✲´¯`o. ¸ (░) `O. ¸❄。 `O. �

   I hate when people bring up a mistake you made a long time ago; negroe I was a different person two hours ago. -_-

   Thanks Jason Derulo.. Without you, I would never know how to spell S.O.L.O

   If zombie's were dyslexic everyone named Brian would be in trouble

   says, "Hello Monday..." the same way Jerry Seinfeld says, "Hello Newman..."

   My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbour forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible.

   I needed to find a donut shop. I didn't want to attempt to start up the GPS on my phone while driving. I followed a cop. It took 4 minutes.

   Anytime someone says their going to delete their Facebook remember to ask for goodbye sex first

   Well if you have no intention of getting married, Reverend, it's not really Pre-Marital sex, is it?

   #ThatAwkwardMoment when you are at a funeral and your phone rings.. you ring tone is "Another One Bites The Dust"

   does anyone else only watch the show "Hardcore Pawn" cause they read the title wrong? Asking for a friend.

   According to my Domino's Pizza Tracker,,, It's currently in my lower colon...

   69 is the kamikaze of oral sex .. If I'm going down you're coming with me.

   Just tried to change my password to 'Twilight,' but Facebook wouldn't let me. Said there's too many useless characters.

   Breaking News: Anthony Weiner is running for reerection!

   They say, if you like her, put a ring on it. And I am saying, If you like him, put a BJ on it.

   Sometimes a lil weed is all you need.