Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Having sex is like playing poker. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

   "Yes" is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you've consumed.

   You say, "Not my President" but I bet your phone went off.

   Clinton called people deplorable, obama called them clingers, terrorists call them infidel, trump called them americans. And they dont understand why he won.

   I feel sorry for people who get to the end of their life and realize they had wasted it trying to do what somebody else wanted them to do. Be your Truth, not someone's lie.

   My Spiritual and religious friends, I'll never go to church with you. My fit and Healthy friends, I'll never go to the gym with you. My Drunk and high friends, when and where?

   (`-`) (._.) ('-' ) (._.) ( '-' ) (' -'), Oh excuse me! Just looking for a F*ck to give.

   One positive lesson I've learned from this missing plane..... I'm going to start dumping my murder victims in the Indian Ocean from now on.

   guys, big red flag when a girl only life accomplishment is being a mom.

   We have a presidential election coming up... And I think the big problem, of course, is someone will win.

   Just look at China over there in the corner just smiling away !

   you know....right now I'm pretty disgusted with MIA....OH, not for giving America the finger....but because we were >this< close to forgetting her annoying ass ever existed....

   Sometimes when I'm home alone I cover myself in Vaseline and pretend to be a slug...

   Seriously, get off the computer once in a while… smell the roses… volunteer… show your balls to a turtle…

   I guess firefighters really get pissed when you call and say your house is on fire and when they show up, you just want your pool filled for the season...

   Syed Rizwan Farook and Tashfeen Malik dropped their baby off with its grandmother and told her they had a doctor's appointment. I guess technically, a coronor is a doctor.

   SNOWBALL FIGHT !!!"o´¯`❄.¸(░) `O.¸¸.¸. o´¯`❄. ¸(░) `O. ❄。 ¨¯`*✲ ´*。. ❄¨¯`*✲。 ❄*´*。 ✲O. ¸¸. ¸. o´¯`o. ¸ (░) `O. ¸¸.✲. ¸. o´¯`¸. o´¯`❄¸ (░) `O. ¸¸. ¸.✲´¯`o. ¸ (░) `O. ¸❄。 `O. �

   I hate when people bring up a mistake you made a long time ago; negroe I was a different person two hours ago. -_-

   Thanks Jason Derulo.. Without you, I would never know how to spell S.O.L.O

   If zombie's were dyslexic everyone named Brian would be in trouble