Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?

   Dear spelling and grammer Nazis I'm righting this hear to distroy your intire day. May korekting this update be the only thing you thinc of the hole weakend. Sinsyearly, Me

   Left Cocoa Puffs on the Eater Bunnys chair at the mall!

   Got my umbrella taken away at gunpoint.....damn Burlington mall

   I wonder if they get hurricanes in India? Let me call there and find out, what the number to AT&T?

   Sometimes I call Domino's Pizza and order a pie. I ask them to repeat the order, then I say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99...please pull up to the first window."

   if someone ever asks you what your favorite kind of beer is tell them " An open one!"

   Having sex is like playing poker. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

   "Yes" is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you've consumed.

   Clinton called people deplorable, obama called them clingers, terrorists call them infidel, trump called them americans. And they dont understand why he won.

   You say, "Not my President" but I bet your phone went off.

   I feel sorry for people who get to the end of their life and realize they had wasted it trying to do what somebody else wanted them to do. Be your Truth, not someone's lie.

   My Spiritual and religious friends, I'll never go to church with you. My fit and Healthy friends, I'll never go to the gym with you. My Drunk and high friends, when and where?

   (`-`) (._.) ('-' ) (._.) ( '-' ) (' -'), Oh excuse me! Just looking for a F*ck to give.

   One positive lesson I've learned from this missing plane..... I'm going to start dumping my murder victims in the Indian Ocean from now on.

   guys, big red flag when a girl only life accomplishment is being a mom.

   We have a presidential election coming up... And I think the big problem, of course, is someone will win.

   Just look at China over there in the corner just smiling away !

   you know....right now I'm pretty disgusted with MIA....OH, not for giving America the finger....but because we were >this< close to forgetting her annoying ass ever existed....

   Sometimes when I'm home alone I cover myself in Vaseline and pretend to be a slug...