Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just did a Google search for Gary Oldman.... for the love of God, don't forget the 'R".

   For everyone doing your Facebook "year in review..." No one gives a fu@k

   Rams Call List: 1. B̶r̶e̶t̶t̶ ̶F̶a̶v̶r̶e̶, 2. T̶e̶r̶r̶y̶ ̶B̶r̶a̶d̶s̶h̶a̶w̶, ..., 77. Jim Everett, 78. Corpse of Johnny Unitas, 79. Tim Tebow

   My girlfriend was upset that she's still not pregnant but I told her to hang in there & keep swallowing & sooner or later it’s gonna happen.

   "Dad, knock it off. That's Bruce Jenner" ~ Chelsea Clinton.

   Lord, I did as you asked and loved my neighbor. But now her husband is outside with a gun and… OMG NO STEVE I WAS DOING THE LORD'S WORK!!!

    I want to write "I miss you" on a rock and throw it at your face so that you'll know how much it hurts to miss you. 

   Almost as offensive as priests molesting kids, is that parents still leave their kids alone with priests.

   If someone hates you for no apparent reason give them one.

   How much for the horse tornado?..... Sir, That's a carousel..... Hmmm, I must have it.

   Well,, If you're gonna be "Polically Correct" about the Pledge of Alliegance... You might as well be 'Geo-Politically correct" and change the Pledge to " One Nation,, under Canada"

   I don't want to brag, but I'm pretty confident I could win a spelling be.

   sorry babe, I'm not lighting candles to be romantic.......lighting candles cause I just took a dump

   wondering why so many people spend money they don't have to buy stuff they don't need to impress people they don't like !

   Please put this on your status if you know someone or are related to someone who suffers from stupidity. People need to understand that stupidity is real & should be taken seriously. You could be sitting next to a sufferer right now.

   These ‘energy saving' light-bulbs are rubbish. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.

   Through technical scientific research, I have discovered a direct correlation between the size of a woman's breasts and how mentally unstable she is. The bigger the boobs, the bigger the crazy.

   I programmed my GPS voice to AC/DC. Now every morning on my way to work it tells me I'm on the Hightway To He!!

   Have you ever seen a girl so ugly you kept expecting "In The Arms Of The Angels" to start playing?

   the reason Waldo is hiding