Funny Status Messages and Tweets

    I want to write "I miss you" on a rock and throw it at your face so that you'll know how much it hurts to miss you. 

   Almost as offensive as priests molesting kids, is that parents still leave their kids alone with priests.

   If someone hates you for no apparent reason give them one.

   How much for the horse tornado?..... Sir, That's a carousel..... Hmmm, I must have it.

   Well,, If you're gonna be "Polically Correct" about the Pledge of Alliegance... You might as well be 'Geo-Politically correct" and change the Pledge to " One Nation,, under Canada"

   I don't want to brag, but I'm pretty confident I could win a spelling be.

   sorry babe, I'm not lighting candles to be romantic.......lighting candles cause I just took a dump

   wondering why so many people spend money they don't have to buy stuff they don't need to impress people they don't like !

   Please put this on your status if you know someone or are related to someone who suffers from stupidity. People need to understand that stupidity is real & should be taken seriously. You could be sitting next to a sufferer right now.

   Note to self: If you come home after work and your wife greets you saying she got a massive pay raise from her boss at work, remember to not kiss her on the lips.

   never really understood why Clark Griswold lusted after Christie Brinkley, when he had a smoking hot wife like Beverly D'Angelo!!

   Haven't heard anything about Bigfoot in awhile. I hope he's okay

   By the way, that gluten-free muffin you just enjoyed? I lied...it is absolutely TEEMING with glutens!,,,,, HAHAHAHA! Goodbye, Mr. Bond.

   If Will.I.Am's tombstone doesn't say "Will.I.Was", I will be very disappointed.

   I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked wonderful tonight or if it was just the 27th outfit she'd tried on and he didn't want to be late to the party.

   Most of the Ferguson folks these days seem to be white journalists desperately hoping for violence.

   Just did a Google search for Gary Oldman.... for the love of God, don't forget the 'R".

   For everyone doing your Facebook "year in review..." No one gives a fu@k

   Rams Call List: 1. B̶r̶e̶t̶t̶ ̶F̶a̶v̶r̶e̶, 2. T̶e̶r̶r̶y̶ ̶B̶r̶a̶d̶s̶h̶a̶w̶, ..., 77. Jim Everett, 78. Corpse of Johnny Unitas, 79. Tim Tebow

   My girlfriend was upset that she's still not pregnant but I told her to hang in there & keep swallowing & sooner or later it’s gonna happen.